Watch TV on any given evening, and people are constantly hooking up. This is the ultimate social status, and if people are not hooking up then they are desperately trying to remedy this. It's an endless rise and fall of agony extasy, and all seem to move on to someone else with little or no pain, without even batting an eye. The belief seems to be that if this emotional roller coaster ride does not take place, no long term partner will ever enter a person's life. But, with all due respect...I'd rather not.
How would it be to really get to know someone BEFORE you began to even date them? This, to me, seems like it could be a win/win situation, because even if the dating thing did not work out, there is a mutual respect for one another which goes beyond seeing someone by trial and error in order to determine whether this should be a "serious" relationship. Usually, this is the kind of situation that turns into serious heartache. Not always, of course...but for me...the risk is way too great, and the reward, not enough. I want more. My way of doing things would be to get to know who a person truly is... well enough to decide whether they are marriage material. When you know that they are marriage material...then date them. This way, the dating has a foundation holding it up, and it's confirmation of a love, respect and honor, that already exists, rather than a "slippery," trial and error process with the anticipation of love attached, but no guarantee that it works.
The problem is the belief that a person must "date" in order to meet somebody to begin with. I can't seem to only be friends with a nice guy and then watch that blossom into something else...which is what I want most. It's hard to keep all that anticipation at bay, and hard to stay away from the trap of dating purely for the sake of dating. Even online, this a real challenge because if you're on a dating website...well, you see where I'm going with this. I suppose this is proof that love always happens when we're not looking for it. If a person is dating, they are basically setting up a situation with the hope that love will be the end result. Sometimes, this works. But, for me, it has never seemed to work because I would end up canceling out my own efforts. In trying to ensure that I reached my "destination" of a serious relationship, I couldn't enjoy the "ride" getting there. This is because I would have to try so hard not to run into heartache. There would be fear that this would happen and it would leve me distrustful, and unable to enjoy very much. Aside from that...trying to anticipate what the other person was feeling left me a bundle of nerves.
Another difficult aspect of dating, for me, is physical touch. What's appropriate...what is not? What does HE think is appropriate and not? How would I know? It's not like we had a meeting to discuss this beforehand :). I'm an old fashioned girl. For me, sex is only to be within the confines of marriage, and I'm of the belief that too much physical touch can ignite a "fire" that can't be put out. (especially if you REALLY like the guy!). For us girls, this can be followed by morning sickness, and then nine months later, a screaming baby. (I was a counselor at a Pregnancy Care Center...it happens all the time). Besides that, I'm of the belief that if I've only just met a guy, I am not yet comfortable with him holding my hand or putting his head on my shoulder (yet). Can't blame guy for trying, but for me, this is the "we need to talk" (politely) stage, because we've only just met each other. What I usually see modeled for me is that "we need to talk" does not come until a heart is about to be crushed, because the hope of a relationship is ending. (Did it ever get started?). This is why I think it's better to wait until you know that a person is marriage material before you date them. This way, a mutual desire is built up for things like hand holding, kisses, that sorta thing... and both have had the chance to discuss limits, beliefs, convictions...all that sorta stuff. that one of my personal protections that I have put in place, is never allowing someone to touch me in what I consider an intimate way, simply because I figure it's what I should do because we're dating. Getting to know each other as friends takes the guess work out of it, because you've had time to find out how the other feels about these things.
Anyway, this is just more evidence, I think, of my "backwards" life. :). I hope someday, I'll find a guy to be backwards with, and we can do it together. :). Until then, I think I'll keep enjoying who I am and save myself a lot of compromising, confusion and mixed messages. No disrespect to anyone who dates...if it works for you...more power to ya! For me personally, it just opens up too many shades of grey that are too confusing for me. I'm waiting for something that works better.
No comments:
Post a Comment