I seem to be going through a crisis of faith right now. Suddenly, I feel like I was lied to all that time in church. Scripture says that God will never give us more than we can handle. Yet I feel stretched beyond my limit everyday. I's rather not get into specifics, I don't feel that everyone needs to know that. But suffice it to say, I feel stretched beyond my limit everyday, and wonder what God meant when he said he'll never give us more than we can handle. I can't say God lied, because he doesn't, but that's what I feel like telling him sometimes. Sometimes, things just hurt and there is nothing I can say to make them any better.
I know God takes us through things to strengthen us, I just can't help but wonder what I'm supposed to be learning this time, while he seems to be gutting me lie a fish. What is he trying to "reveal"? That I'm not as wonderful as I thought I was? (I know that, but it seems I need to be shown in a different way now.). I don't mind going through hard things for God, or with God...that's okay... That's all part of it. It's when I genuinely can't take any more, and he makes me suffer through something anyway that I have a really hard time with. It really isn't all about me is it? It's just that sometimes, that's not the point. I don't want things to be all about me. It's just that there are some times when the right should win in a situation and I know that God is the ONLY one who can make that happen and... Then He doesn't. And I'm left on the floor, a broken, bleeding, worn out mess who's supposed to be thankful now because God can use the pieces. (He can't use us till we're broken). I don't necessarily mind being broken so much. I mean, don't misunderstand me, I complain and throw a fit right through it... But then there's always that point that I see the light at the end of the tunnel... And the missing piece fits somehow.
But sometimes we are broken beyond repair and God it seems, still does not show up. I guess he doesn't need to "show up" because He's always with us... So then why are there so many pivotal moments in life when we need God to make an entrance and he doesn't? What are we supposed to do when we face the same "weakness" that Moses did, when all the magicians around him ALSO turned their rods into serpents? Why was it different with Moses? Because his God is the real one. Why should anybody believe that? I don't know... That's my point. No, actually, it's worse than that. I DO know! I DO get it.... That's why I'm a Christian in the first place. But what good is all my knowing and all my believing and all my praying and trusting and hoping, and banking everything in my life on him, if, when I need him the most, he doesn't show up?
Now, church always seems to have an answer for this, all cliche'd and neatly pakaged. They'll tell you that God will never leave you nor forsake you. I know God will never leave me. That's not the issue I struggle with. I struggle with believing that it's TIME now (maybe it's long past) for him to lift the burden, make an entrance, relieve the pressure, let the right win...DO SOMETHING!!!!! And he doesn't. And we, his followers are humiliated because now we look like fools for following him in the first place. I'm talking about the PAINFUL stuff... The stuff that makes you think "Surely God would understand that this is too much for me.". He does. He does understand! That's what's got me so damn angry right now! For whatever reason, he let's us go through it anyway, and then says that it's "Good" that we are learning to trust him more. WHAT? By the way, I'm a Christian! I've been a Christian for TWENTY years now.
I know God does not use a magic wand. He can't just go around changing people's wills at the drop of a hat so that people can get what they need. But I guess that's my whole point. Why not?? If he's the eternal Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End, if a person has the right motives...Why can't God intervene so a person gets what they need? Again, HE CAN! And he does! So why didn't he this time????? Why does God seem to suck all the air out of you, while giving you some sort of spiritual "blood letting" and then require of us that we trust him anyway? Why does he seem to deliberately give us every reason in the world NOT to trust him... And then require that we do. I'm sorry... That seems like punishment to me. Cruel and unusual punishment. Now, punishment is necessary sometimes, when you love somebody, but what happens when you're honestly shaking your head, going "God, what did I do?". Here's the good news: You probably did not do anything! But God has a plan, and sometimes we have to SUFFER through it (whether we like it or not).
I think this is what they OUGHT to teach in church. Because that's just the way it is. I wasn't taught this... Not growing up anyway. I was taught: Jesus, buddy, pal, friend, great big Teddy bear. I was NOT taught that Jesus will bail you out every time things get rough, and that there won't be any pain. This is not true in any case. But I was taught to believe that he loves me perfectly, and more than words can say. Okay. I believe it. Why does he deliberately make us do things the hard way so many times, while we are but "dust"? Why do we have to go through things, step after painful step, feeling like we can't take anymore, and then we're supposed to be so grateful because it's all due to God?
No, the things they teach kids in church ought to go something like this:
"Look, he is the only way, so draw near to Him. But you didn't get saved, God saved you. This is not a garden party or a social club. This is the Christian life and it's a blood sport. It's HARD. Your dreams and ideals will be broken and at times you won't be able to see the "better thing" everybody keeps TELLING you God has for you. There will be times when everything in you DOES NOT WANNA GO WHERE GOD IS TAKING YOU. Sometimes you will be mad at God and think...."I don't like your plan.". You'll think I'm not even sure I want you around because you're the one who's making my life so hard! (Get ready for it). At times, you'll sin against God because you won't be obedient to him. You'll do your own thing. At times you will honestly believe that God could not possibly know how you feel. You will THINK that you know that you cannot depend on other people. But you will depend on other people anyway (because they are like you). Then you will be genuinely hurt because God allowed that to happen in your life, at which point you will kick yourself for "depending on other people" in the first place.
God will take away what's precious to you (in some way shape or form) as a way of suffering with him (because he suffered for us). Get ready for it. In fact, any person or thing that you love more than you do him, God will do something to change that around in your life and you won't like it. Don't worry, supposedly, what he has is always better than what he takes away, but there will be times when you won't believe that. Sure, you'll be prepared for when people mock you and tease you for being a Christian. What you won't be prepared for is the day when you don't feel you have the upper hand anymore, because the bottom has fallen out in your own life. Then you'll think "God, this wasn't supposed to happen!". People around you will tell you that it's good that God is showing you who you really are. My friend, you'll find that there will be SO MUCH that you don't wanna see! So much that you don't even wanna look at! Soldiers at war get wounded in battle. Christians are soldier's for Christ... Get ready for it! The ultimate irony of your life will (sometimes) be that your only comfort in the storm comes from the very one whose CAUSING it.
Trust Him, yes. Just remember that there will be times when you sincerely feel like you can't. Get ready for it. I realize that at church youth group, with all the games and wonderful food, and rock music, it probably feels as though none of the above will ever touch you. Not true. I think the song "Held" by Natalie Grant is much more accurate, myself... But even then, you'll probably be snowed by KLove and the Christian DJ's and the pledge drives, and all the "Spirit West Coast" commercials. So just who am I anyway? I'm a Christian who's coming apart inside, and trying to remember that God STILL IS and there is hope. I just need to be reminded. A LOT. There will be times you will be angry with God...sometimes angrier than you ever thought you would be. When you're done throwing a fit , He'll be right there to pick you up, but you won't exactly rejoice, because all you want is for the pain to go away.
Eventually it will (though there are some that are always with you). God will keep us from harm, but that does not mean that we will never get hurt. This is something I was not aware of for a long time. I'm just saying, I didn't even know there was a difference for a long time. So, many things aren't over by morning, and Rome wasn't built in a day. Just sayin'
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