I don't know what to call this one :)

I find that I get angry easily. Energy tends to shoot through me like bullets whenever I'm nervous or excited. I'm learning to ease up a bit when my routine is disrupted. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I so wish I could be tested for AS or High Functioning Autism. A self diagnosis isn't the best thing, because what if I'm wrong? I want a piece of paper that says "Yes, you do suffer from this," or, "no, you don't.". I've read that women with AS tend to have more "masculine" brains than women who don't.

How does this help me when we live in a society that teaches women to behave like men anyway? I don't get it. I'm told that a man can't fall in love with another "man" who's dressed like a woman. But how many times have I heard (or read) some guy saying that he want's a girl who's independent and can take care of herself and has attitude? Don't get me wrong, I always thought that all of the above was great. But I was taught somewhere along the way that men are pretty turned off by these things.

I don't know... Seems to me like the wrong kinda girls have an easier time being with guys than the right ones. WHY IS THIS?? What's going on? I feel betrayed and hurt, and overlooked... But I can't let a guy see that, right? Cause then he'll be turned off and he won't want me right? What a rip off! I'm beginning to think the whole relationship thing is BS. Maybe I am just much better off on my own. It's crazy! Listen guys... If you want her, go get her! Tell her how you feel! Life is too short not to. Girls, just love yourselves and keep walking. If the right guy wants you to stop he'll let you know...I hope. Guys say, they get frustrated because girls don't let them lead. But then... They don't. I've had it happen to me where I've stepped back, to allow a guy to come into my space... And he didn't. He never came.

But the weird thing is that usually when a guy starts asking me questions and I can tell he's interested (or think he's interested), I get really freaked out, because I've had too many guys with the wrong intentions try and do that to me. There have been times when I've said to a guy that I was already involved with someone... And he kept pushing and trying to be with me anyway! Nope... Don't think so. I was not involved with anybody, but that's not the point. The fact that the guy hitting on me would not step back and respect my answer told me that he was not the right guy anyway. My dream would be to have a guy let me ask him questions about stuff and not get all turned off because now he thinks I'm leading him and he's upset because he thinks I'm not LETTING him call the shots.

I'm not talking about asking the guy on a date or asking him out. This is not appropriate. I know that. I would never ask a guy out or ask for his number or anything like that. This isn't right. But I feel like it's wrong to even start a conversation with a guy because of the way that I've felt when the wrong guy did that to me. I also know how guys have reacted to me when I've gently tried to do this. They freak out. I've also, waited (sometimes for ages) and not done anything, waiting to see what would happen. Answer: Not a damn thing. Now I've heard it all: Guys are scared, they don't know what to say, etc, etc. At this point, I have just one thing to say to that: Get over it! If you need a soft place to fall, fine, but to me... That's not the issue right now. With all due respect, you're the hunter, you're the conquerer, you're the protector... So get out there! I can't do it for ya, it's against the rules, right?

If I don't seem very soft, or "feminine" right now, it's because at the moment I'm mad as hell! I should know by now that the right does not always win... That's just life. It happens. But I just proved my point. Guys either scare a girl, or they step back and don't do a thing, and she thinks he's not interested in her... So nothing happens. I don't know...It seems to me that the best thing to do (as long as the guy already knows he likes the girl) is to just get into some conversation. Guys, if you're waiting around for her to step into your space... She may not know that. You need to show her that you have an interest in her. Don't PUT her in a position where she has to chase you (whether she likes it or not) because you won't approach her. You don't like that anyway, right? Girls, if you chase him (even if you're left with no other choice) all he's going to do is run. If you have to chase him, he's not the right guy anyway. He might be interested in you, but if he's too scared to show you that, this is not your fault. Too many women sorta lay on the ground and try to become everything that a guy wants so that he will be accepting of her. Girls...DON'T DO THIS!!! He's supposed to be rearranging HIS life for you... Not the other way around.

The absolutely crazy thing is that women actually desire this sorta thing. It's ridiculous! We desire a man to love us and protect us and keep us safe, right? You know what he desires? He want's HIS space... But apparently, he wants US too. So We're supposed to wait for him to invite us into their space... And then never actually get in his way. All he wants to know is that you can do everything yourself so that he doesn't actually have to do anything!!! Men are hedonistic and selfish. In their heart of hearts they really don't wanna give up anything for anyone. Apparently, I don't have the sorta magic that makes a man want me inspire of himself. For so long, I thought I did, but I see now, my optimism has gotten me nowhere. It's not my fault that guys are too wrapped up in themselves to notice how wonderful I am. If I don't believe that I have what the right guy wants, then he won't believe it either. But I'm finding that sometimes, even when you do what's right and you believe in yourself, guys are too involved in themselves to notice.

Ladies hold your head high, believe in yourself and know how to take care of yourself. The truth is, we don't need men, but if they're smart, they'll know that they need us. As for any lack of "humility" I may be demonstrating here, all I can say is that I'm trying to be as honest as possible here. I cannot expect a man to be trustworthy if I myself do not model the same thing. Ladies, love yourself enough to make him work for you. If he doesn't want to work hard enough to get you, he isn't the right one. Don't get hung up on him. The HARD part is this: HOW DO YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE VULNERABLE WITHOUT GETTING AT LEAST A LITTLE HUNG UP ON SOMEONE?? Here's the scary part: Most of the time, a guy will take the fact that you're hung up on him and run with it. He doesn't give a crap, that you are willing to commit to him and that you're waiting for him to commit to you because he knows he already has you wrapped around his little finger. He's getting all the "worship" he could want and having to do little or nothing for it. If you've heard that a guy won't respect you at that point... You're right.

So, I've answered my own dilemma, I think. We women really do possess the power of transformation! We have our own built in "super power"; and guys often have no idea how to handle it. Be a gentle friend, pray for him... And back up, so that (if he wants to) he can step in. Guys?...