Out Of Gear

I remember coming home from a dear friend's funeral one day. My friend in the car with me was conversing with me about our friend who'd passed away, and life and other things.

At some point, I mentioned that I sometimes have difficulty around other people because I usually just seem to be so far behind everyone else around me. All my women friend's are generally talking marriage, children, paying bills, rising gas prices, planing their grown children's weddings, going on trips with their grandchildren... And any number of the grown up things that adults do that make them... Well... Grown up.

I said that I just felt so outta place because I had not even begun to do most of these things yet.

"So, my friend says to me, there are times when you just feel somehow like you're really outta gear."

"yes, exactly!," I said (Feeling so relieved that he seemed to understand. My friend was twice my age, married, with both grown children and young children. I'm not using his name on purpose... But he is such an example to me of a sensitive, caring man, who gently but firmly loves his wife and kids. Add to this, the fact that he has as a wonderful sensitivity towards those with disabilities (as did our friend who'd passed away). This knowledge alone would make me feel better to be around him. I knew he would never think it odd that I don't drive, never think it odd that I'm not married. He would never think it odd that I'm on disability, so are many people he knows.

I've always had a crippling sense of being way outta gear, and WAY behind most everybody else. This seems to be "Okay" with everybody, except me. I'm now in my mid thirties. I live with my mother, and several other members of my family because we all made it to a point where it was too difficult for us to live on our own. So, we're all squeezed into the same place. I'm on disability. I do not drive. I'm not married. I have no kids. I try to make friend's, but always seem to be interested in remote, off the wall things that no one else cares about. When you don't have any of the above things I mentioned, it can be so challenging to even get into a conversation with someone because it's difficult to find common interests. Anyway, when you don't "fit in" you have to get really creative about standing out... Which is a responsibility that you don't always want. I was born with Cerebral Palsy (mild) and I now REALLY want to be tested for Asperger's Syndrome or High Functioning Autism. I began learning about these things, when I was reading about Gary McKinnon, a young British guy accused of hacking into American government computer systems, who was tested and found to have AS.

Anyway, I have dreamed about knowing the guy that I would marry since I was just a kid. Back in high school I had 2 relationships, and after the second one (that lasted two years) part of me felt like she could not seem to really recover. Try going through that in a world where relationships seem changed like bedsheets, people are "friend's with benefits" and they have "make-up" sex. I mean, really...if you can't just get up and move on you feel seriously retarded. You know, I mean, how stupid could I be to let my undying loyalty for one guy hurt me? No support for that. As an adult, much of my social involvement has come from college classes, church and volunteer work. I have an AA degree in English, which took me forever to get and when I would try to share the joy of FINALLY completing it with others, I would promptly be told that this would not get me very far in the working world. (great, thanks for the support.). I am no different from others in that I did get caught in the same catch 22 that everybody faces when trying to get to work. How do you get a job, if you have no experience? How do you get experience when you have no job? Not having a car did not help in this area. But considering that I should not be driving anyway, what difference did that make?

I don't know, high school was like this little micro-cosmic world where I got to safely feel like someone who could be an adult, for a little while... And it didn't matter that you lived with your parents (you were supposed to) and if you did not drive (but you wanted to...perfect! You were in good company'. So, in high school I had a summer job my junior and senior year, I was involved in drama and choir and musical theatre, and journalism... And had a boyfriend who ran track. It was grand! Well, now I'm in my mid thirties, and I just wanna say:

"Dammit, I was cheated!"

For the disabled individual who has trouble facing challenges and keeping relationships... high school actually does very little to prepare you for the real world. I mean, you're stuck in the same comfort zone for four years with timed classes and timed lunch hours and schedules set by adults. You pick your group of friend's and wait for the day you graduate. What the hell does this have to do with profound loneliness you can't explain or pretending your way through something because a situation demands it, or not saying certain things because you know they would hurt someone. What does any of that have to do with NOT sleeping with someone because you deserve better, and so would the child you have if you got pregnant.? What do those four years teach anyone about balancing a checkbook, or paying bills on time? What do they teach you about someone who's sick in the hospital and just needs someone to hold their hand? What do they teach you when all the boyfriends you thought you would have in your life... Never show up? What do they teach you about dealing with difficult neighbors or co-workers? What do they teach you about waiting longer than you think you can wait, for things that never seem to materialize into reality?

Absolutely nothing!

So, I've spent way too much time trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Why couldn't I just just finish college in right around six years like everyone else? Two years... Four years.... Now you're ready to get a masters, see? That's just what people do right? Not me! It took me ten (yes 10, as in one, zero) years to get a lousy two year degree. Why? Several reasons. One was sheer indecisiveness. I had so many interests I could not settle on just one. I would not finish what I started, I would just move on to something else, thinking it was better. Then I would get burned out and try so Erving else. My grades would suffer if I tried to go full ti e because even that was a lot for me to juggle around. According to statistics, one hour of class equals three hours of homework. Okay, so you do the math! I truly do not know how people go to school, work and raise a family too. Even going to school only part time... Just my classes and homework consumed most of my time. I had to keep taking the same math classes over & over because I couldn't seem to pass them. Math always builds on itself, and it was like my brain just would not hold that much information... Literally. I had to take a lot of "breaks" from college because I would get burned out and want to quit altogether. So, when I would come back I would get into something new because that was the only thing that kept me excited about still being there.

Doesn't sound like enough of a reason to procrastinate, does it? Ironically, I was just trying to stay with it. Seems like my efforts to keep myself from burning out completely only seemed to make me take longer. There's nothing really wrong with this (if you're able to get away with it, but I have never fit the normal mold that so many of the people around me seemed to slide right into. Anyway, the one guy that I ever really loved got married... And it was not to me. I know now that this is the best thing that ever could've happened simply because I was not supposed to be with him. There's somebody out there for me.... But he hasn't come breezing into my life like I believed he would. Whether he does or not, I like the person that I am. But you know, sometimes all the cliche's and dating tips in the world don't help. No offense... It's just that sometimes their really is no cure for loneliness. I don't care how busy you are, or socialized you become. The hardest thing is that sometimes, even the amount of other people you serve in some way won't erase the fact that you feel terribly out of gear in your life. At the end of the day, when it's just you and your thoughts in the dark, if you're content with your place in life... Wonderful! But I think most people are not.

Anyway, I have gotten to do certain things with my life that I would not have been able to do had things been different. I got to go to England for a semester... which had been a dream of mine for a long time. I didn't have a job. I had a very understanding mother who allowed me to use my disability money every month to make payments. When I came home from England I got an apartment with a room mate. My mother advised me against it... But I wanted so badly to be outta me mom's house that I went for it. That lasted six months! This was as long as our lesae was. That in itself was quite an experience for me! My room mate was disabled as well, but not completely honest with me about her limitations. Neither were her parents! We hit it off really well as friends, but, as room mates? She's an adult, like me, but, dependent on her parents for just about everything. She often couldn't handle certain mundane housecleaning (I guess because it overwhelmed her. I could not work out any sort of schedule with her because she would not let me. Anything that she could not handle she simply waited for her parents to do it... Even if it were something as simple as taking out trash. Living with her was like a parent child relationship.

When those six months were up, I moved back in with my mom...having a renewed sense of gratitude that I was responsible for my own rent, my own bank card, my own bills, my own grocery lists, and pretty much, my own housecleaning. Yes, there were certain things too big for me to handle (I think that's true for anyone). But suddenly, I realized that I actually had a lot more "independence" than I thought. My mother would pick me up and drive me to the grocery store, which worked out well anyway because she had to get her own groceries too. But other than that, I did most things myself.

There will be a part two to this, because it's slot to get down all at once.
(I have lived on my own too, I have not gotten to that yet)

But, to anyone who is feeling painfully out of gear, or maybe, like a dependent child, unable to grow up... To anyone who thinks something is terribly wrong because they "can't pull their own weight,". Don't worry... You have a right to feel frustrated, but ease up on yourself-- you're probably doing better than you think! :). More tomorrow!