Okay, so, when I left home to spend a semester in England I was 27 years old. I remember being a bit nervous because I knew I was older than most of the students in the group with me. As usual, I got along better with the instructors, and the one student who was older than I was. But anyway.... Seeing a whole different culture (one who appreciates their history a lot more than we do, I think, it really does change you. It boosted my confidence totally, because even though I don't drive, suddenly, I was several thousand miles from home... In a place where nobody CARES if you don't have a car! I was like, "hey, I could get used to this!". It was like a welcomed change to my soul somehow. I was independent! I could leave the house on any given day, and there were all kinds of people out walking with me.. People take longer to get places and they don't mind it.
imagine a place where people pause in the middle of the day to chat and drink their tea. They close up shop early when they feel like it, they can let students out of class early if they want to, and they encourage Wow, as I write this, there's a show on TV (about animals talking all about English Swans. I'm seeing the Thames River, Windsor Castle, and many of the places I went when I was there! :). But I believe that the whole experience refined me, I think. I learned to function in rain and cold weather. (I loved it!). Anyway, it's amazing the little things that make you happy and help you grow. :)
So, when I came home From England, I knew I had the confidence to move away from home. This was when I took the apartment with my roommate for six months. That wasn't me and my friend splitting everything down the middle, like she said. It was me dealing with my friend and both of her parents. Now, understand, I realize her parents would certainly be a part of her life (whether she's moved out or not). Mine always have been. It's just that it felt almost as if they'd move'd in with us. It was difficult for me to deal with issues with my friend, because, she would bring her parents into it; they would naturally take her side, and it would be three (impossible) opinions against little me (who thought she could take care of herself... Yeah? If this sounds childish... It was. That's my point. In my quest to be more grown up, I was dealing with three very well intentioned but difficult :) people. Things got very childish very quickly. It actually came down to the four of us (me, my friend, and both our mothers discussing it together. I felt like I was in an elementary school teacher's meeting. Needless to say, that situation did not work out. I moved back in with my mother (whom I found I had a much better relationship with). A few months later I began looking for a place for myself. I had a lot of reservations. They were not "I can't take care of myself" reservations. These were doubts about income. When you're on disability, most complexes won't take a second look at you...
I've been down the road of section 8. Suffice it to say, I don't recommend it. I got it... But then still could not get a place! I'm a person of prayer, and needless to say, many of them went up, about location, price, tenants, landlord, transportation that wasn't local...all those things. Finally, I found a nice area with a wonderful complex, and an empathetic landlady! I've taken the bus since high school, so I knew how to get around, and the bus stop was practically outside my door! I took it! At 28, I was living completely on my own... For the first time! I was between 8 and 10 years behind most people, still single... And not working. But here I was, with this house (apartment) to myself, waiting for my new refrigerator to be delivered! Hey, this was an experience I'd never had! I LOVED living by myself! I still took college classes and went to church and I also volunteered at a pregnancy care center. This truly was one of the most fulfilling things. I've ever done! I loved it. So I had three years of living on my own. My rent was adjusted slightly, but not a lot. It was quite a juggling act, and there was never a lot left at the end of each month... But I was on my own!
I was able to live there for three years. I did have to move out though because, gradually, my rent was raised more and more. Unfortunately, my income wasn't. As more and more of my money went for rent, I had less and less to use for other things. The short version is that I moved out of there so that I would be in good standing, and not be in a situation where I could not pay my rent... An adult decision, which made me feel as though I were taking about 10 steps backwards. Strange. I think a lot of adult decisions don't necessarily make a person feel empowered at all, because they feel so opposite of what we think we ought to be doing. I'd gained the independence I'd wanted, only to have to turn around and lean on someone else for support.
Ha ha! :). I have a feeling that the second thing I had to do there was the more grown up one! Even though the world will tell you that you suck when you can't handle everything yourself. It sounds cruel, but what really scared me was the uncontrollable "Weirdness" of others! Now, talk about being a hypocrite! I adore my own weirdness and expect others to adore it too! I just had no desire to get used to someone else's quirks and idiosyncratic habits (boy, there's an "Annie Hall" world, if I've ever heard one!). Anyway, now I had to play by someone else's rules and get used to their nervousness and their preferences, and they're habits (the ones that annoy me too!). This time it was not because I was a child needing a parent. Face it... When you're a kid, the protection thing overrides everything else :). As long as I was a child needing a parent, she catered to all of that for me. As an adult, when I lived by myself, I could be completely absorbed in myself, which took up all the room in my head anyway. Both of these things made sense to me. But at 32, moving out of my own place and in with my grandmother, and then my mom, who I live with now... This made NO SENSE TO ME AT ALL!
Now, I could get mystical and spiritual here...but I won't, I'll keep it simple. I needed to learn how to RECEIVE. As selfish as I already thought I was... Giving really wasn't my problem. I could give alright. I THOUGHT I could not because I was not as mobile as I wanted to be. So, then I panicked, and thought that secretly everyone believed I was lazy...because I couldn't.... Well, you get the idea. Anyway, I thought that if I could get out of everyone's way, and handle everything myself, then I would not be a burden to anyone, and then they would be proud of me. Strange (again). It's like wanting someone to be proud because you're no longer around! Who the Hell needs that?? :)
Anyway, sitting on the sofa in my Mother's living room... I offer this: I think it's normal to need to know what independence is like because maybe you've never really broken away from mommy and daddy. If you have a disability of some kind, and you know you're different from others, a certain fear that this might never happen can rule your life. This is what happened to me. I figured that if I could not actually DO what everyone else around me was doing...I would fill my head with knowledge and fight like hell. I would proclaim all I knew, and keep "giving" (my advice, my opinions, my writings, my prayers). SURE! Now, this is all GOOD! (and it is.) But, actually... I was only scared. So, here I was, having gotten exactly what I wanted, and I had to give it up. Why? What if giving(the way I always wanted to) meant receiving things from others? Things like conversation, or a meal cooked, or bus money? What if people really didn't think I was lazy? What if they liked me, and only wanted to share in a little (or a big) part of who I was? How could anyone do that if I one day got everything "in gear" and could handle everything myself? Sure, I'd walk away and think I'd made it to where I needed to be... But now what? It was then that I started to realize that I'd never really considered that anyone really needed anything from me right where I was, or that there was anything my family around me wanted to give to ME.
Love is not rational...it goes beyond our expectations. We might think others are only burdened by us, but maybe, if it were not for that "burden", we could not learn to love each other. Since I was a child, my mom has told me that she will still worry about me when I'm 40. It's just that I always believed that this wasn't really true...I'd have it all together by then. Well, I'm five years away from that age, and just like a child, I adore it when she makes me a plate of pancakes in the morning, or puts my blanket back on me at night (sometimes it slides to the floor) :). No. This does not happen every day, but when it does...it's rather nice! What a blessing! Does this make me childish. There is a huge difference between childish and childlike. Besides, I think I'm smarter for knowing the difference! :)
(Pause... BREATH) :)
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