I just read part of an article about why men (also) need to be careful when choosing someone to marry. I so agree. It's too easy sometimes to get attracted to a woman for purely temporal or fleeting reasons.
The article says pregnancy changes body shape. True. What if I have no interest I have no interest in getting pregnant? Uhh Oh... Yeah, this could change... Absolutely. But what if it doesn't? What if I decide I really DON'T want kids? There are some who would say that I've just booted myself out of the marriage camp completely.
Now what?
Am I strong spiritually or stagnant? Well, depends on how you look at it. I've attended the same church since I was 18 (I'm in my early 30's now) But I have not attended this church in the last two years. Okay, does anybody wanna start running the other way now? I only wanna keep my heart in the right place and make sure nobody (including myself) is hurt further, you know? But, do I look like an absolute zero now? I got attracted to the wrong guy there. Not a jerk. Just the wrong guy for me. I waited and hoped and prayed way too long, and I didn't want to admit the truth. I don't drive, so it isn't like I have the luxury of just going out and finding another church. Are you still with me? Because some of you might already be thinking "Gee, she can't carpool, or pick our kids (that I don't wanna have) up from school, or drive 10 hrs. From Disneyland and then get up at 5:30 to start morning worship at 8:00aM, that sorta thing. Nope, not a good candidate for that. So, a combination of things have kept me from Church. Like I said, I don't drive, and then there's the attraction to the wrong guy. Trust me... No more gasoline needs to be poured on that fire. I don't need the distraction, the guy doesn't need the distraction. It's just not a good thing.
Not to mention, I'm tired of being the presumptuous one who "can't control herself". I won't lie to you or make this pretty. I'm human and I wanted to love this guy and I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to desire me, yes. So I would wear things I thought he would like. Now I was always very careful to make sure that there was nothing deliberately seductive in what I wore. As women, we need to do our part to help protect the men that we love (and the men who love someone else). Ladies make sure, you're covered in all the right places and that your speech is kind, and seasoned with grace. This makes it easier for our Christian brothers. But anyway... The seduction was inside my own heart. Nobody needed to see it... God saw it... And that's all that mattered. I can say with a clear conscience that I did everything I could to stay AWAY from this guy. Even though, I didn't want to (truth be told). I said I'm human and I wanted him to love me. So, in my head, I WANTED to do all the wrong things (yes, I did). I think all girls go through that inside, where there's this "fight" that they have to bring under submission to the Lord. I guess the smart girls don't say anything about this?
I am honest. Sometimes to a fault, and sometimes to my own detriment. Usually, I can't take nearly as much as I dish out because I'm so sensitive. I'm glad I'm getting all of this out on the table now, because if it's offensive to you, or too much of a risk, I need to know. I also went through some painful circumstances with a friend of mine. (At church). I was really hurt and got angrier with this friend than I should have, and now I'm just not sure how to even face them. I do not want any further hurt between us. I don't want any old wounds resurfacing and causing further anger or anything related to it. I stuck the situation out for quite awhile and tried to persevere. I had to let go. I had to be closer to my Heavenly Father... His voice was getting dimmer and dimmer. If this makes me not spiritual enough for you or somebody who is too immature, I need to know now. I only want to be true to you, whom I have not met yet, and true to my Heavenly Father who made me.
I have trouble concentrating on more than one thing at a time. Sometimes I just need to shut everything out in order to gain a clear perspective... And yes, sometimes this shutting out turns into down right avoiding people. Please know that I will always love you more than I can ever say, and that my sense of loyalty to you will never fade. However, my sensitivity and emotions that stab me like knives make me unable to face the world at times. I need significant time to recover from things... Usually much longer that the daily schedule or the world at large will allow. I need a lot of alone time to work things out for myself. But please know that this does not diminish my love for you. I often get angry and say things I do not mean. When I realize this, I will always come back, often in tears and extremely apologetic. The empathy is real... It's not an act. But if all of this makes me too much of a risk for you... It's good that I know now.
I don't work everyday like most people, so I've gotten used to sleeping in and I rather enjoy it. But I was a college student for many years so I know what it means to get up on time and be punctual and be diligent. I couldn't actually pursue my Bachelor's degree because I ran out of money and wasn't interested in getting into all kinds of student debt. I am very smart, even though I don't have the IQ to prove it. My proudest achievements are my ability to write well, my credit score, and the fact that I have no debt. I have two disabilities and want to be tested for a 3d. Sometimes I get so deep into my thoughts that it looks like I don't care about anyone but myself. This is not true.... But looks can be deceiving so...
One final thing you should know...
I've spent way too long kicking myself because I could never really be like (I guess) the typical church-going wife that many wonderful, Christian guys want. I love to sing, so music ministry will probably be a great idea for me. But I'm not a good candidate when it comes to car pooling or running a million errands, or taking people to church (I'll be the one needing the ride.). But my wisdom will inspire you and my sense of humor will make you glad you're with me. I'm imperfect, and (yes) often lazy. But I know myself very well, and won't lie to you about who I am. Think you'd give me a try?
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