Inspiration...

I actually bought a skirt today. Beautiful paisley pattern. It fits and it's cute...it would just look more attractive on a thinner body. I'm sure this is no accident...it's the same with the pink shirt I found: It's a Medium...which used to be my size (as in, it used to fit me with plenty of room). Now it's tight on me. And I have a noticeable belly. Now, when I say tight, I don't mean tight, as in I can't get it on, or anything. I mean tight, as in..literally in between sizes, as in ten years slower metabolism, as in: "You are not twenty something anymore."

I also found these beautiful hair clips. One of them is just as bright as the pink shirt I found. Anyway, I got them as inspiration for the length I want my hair to actually be. (I can't wear them yet) :). I have them arranged strategically with my other hair clips to sorta give the joint atmosphere.

Man...I just hope I'm really doing this for myself, and not trying to please somebody else. I mean...I keep thinking about the guy I wish I had in my life. Am I doing this for him? My first thought is "I don't think so!". But am I? Nothing wrong with wanting to look amazing...but how can I help it if some GUY doesn't notice it? Anyway...isn't that HIS problem? Isn't that HIS loss? Yep. I'm doing this so that I feel the best I can about ME. Anyway, so many of the little things we girls do for our MEN are things that they aren't even wired to notice anyway. Costume designer Edith Head once said that we should dress for men, and not women, because it's a lot less competitive.

Interesting because, she wasn't talking about turning guys on. She meant that guys don't tend to care what label is in a woman's clothes, or how they are cut, or even whether or not they match. WOMEN are the one's concerned with all of this! We spend hours putting together just the right outfit...color, style, fabric. We have to pay attention to how it's cut, so that we are covered in all the right places. We have to keep in mind the length, and whether it's right for our body type. Does it feel comfortable on us? Hey, if we could wear sweats and tees all the time, it'd be perfect...but, alas (sigh) :). Well, I'm off to jump on my trampoline!

New Direction

ME. The day that I got (what I hope) is my last actual haircut.
Now, I'm hoping for just trims to take care of split ends. My hair has grown out since this pic,
(which was in March of this year).
Anyway, the tops I have are both from a time when I was slimmer.
Still cute, but don't fit quite the way I want. :)


I'm taking this in a different direction for now. I ordered a rebounder trampoline a couple days ago and it has now arrived. Ha! I was thinking that when I got it, I'd be able to jump on it for...an hour at a time, maybe? Yeah right! I'm blessed if I can make it through an entire song! But man, does it give a work out! All over...in a very short time!

So this has really got me thinking...thinking that I LOVED the body I had in high school! Now, don't misunderstand me; I'm proud of the body I have now... still tall, of course, and people have trouble guessing my age, because I don't look it. I'll take that! :). That's good! But I need a challenge, and now...I have no excuse! Before, it was that these are triple digit temps. and there isn't room to actually exercise. But the trampoline's up...and after about 4 minutes, I'm sweating already! So, I want my body from high school back...so I can ware the clothes I really want to ware and look as well in them as I did back then. I'm still a very stylin' woman...but the body I was happiest with was the one I had back then. Now, keeping in mind that clothing manufactures intentionally are MAKING clothes smaller all the time, so that we girls will BELIEVE we need to KEEP. Losing weight. ...(Oh, yes, they are!), how do I realistically do this?

I mean, when I was a in high school, sizes 6, 8 & 10 were small. Sizes 12 & 14 were a medium, and 16, 18 were large. So, by THOSE standards, I was small, back then. I'm a medium now...but not a medium by today's standards...medium by THOSE standards. By TODAY's sizes, I'm a large. Nope...don't think so. If the INDUSTRY thinks so...oh well! See ladies, a horrible trick is being played on us...and it isn't fair! Don't punish yourself for gaining a few pounds...chances are your CLOTHES aren't even the size they should be! That being said, how do I set a realistic goal for myself? I wanna be a ten. But what a ten used to be, is now a twelve! Oh snap! Hold on! So, do I not have as much work to do as I thought?? I'm a 14 now (and proud of it)!, but really, that would be a 12! So I'm looking to go down TWO sizes then...not four! So, If I shoot for a ten, (by today's standards, I'll be an 8! Thats's just wonderful enough to be amazing, but not unhealthy!...and I could ware the clothes I really wanted to.

One last thing...I've been just cutting my hair short by default, especially now that it's summer. It's always cute and wonderful, and all that (and easy to take care of, yeah, yeah yeah). But, for years, I've wanted gorgeous, long hair. Could I handle taking care of it? I've never really let myself find out. It's always ended up short because apparently, it looks so much better. It's hard for me to have long hair for a number of reasons. It would be tricky now too because of the grey that keeps creeping out. But, I've had to get used to coloring it anyway, which is no small task when it's long (and not cheap). But there is a certain picture I found...of this absolutely gorgeous color! Not that this could not be applied to short hair...but would be so much more gorgeous if my hair were long. So, I'm putting a serious effort into it. Gonna grow it long! Been looking into different things I can do to help it grow faster, that kinda thing. I figure, this can't hurt me; I need to take better care of myself, anyway (drinking more water, that kinda thing).

So, I'm going to blog it. I'll post pics, and write down the In's and out's...and the results. I'm giving myself till Christmas. Four months to become the size I really want to be. (With that trampoline, I think I can do it!) Now, of course it will take a lot longer for my hair to be the length I want; but I figure, if I shoot for Christmas, that will give me the "head start" I need! :)

I hope this might challenge someone else to maybe make their own beginning, and do something for themselves that they've been putting off.

This is It... Is It?

Watch TV on any given evening, and people are constantly hooking up. This is the ultimate social status, and if people are not hooking up then they are desperately trying to remedy this. It's an endless rise and fall of agony extasy, and all seem to move on to someone else with little or no pain, without even batting an eye. The belief seems to be that if this emotional roller coaster ride does not take place, no long term partner will ever enter a person's life. But, with all due respect...I'd rather not.

How would it be to really get to know someone BEFORE you began to even date them? This, to me, seems like it could be a win/win situation, because even if the dating thing did not work out, there is a mutual respect for one another which goes beyond seeing someone by trial and error in order to determine whether this should be a "serious" relationship. Usually, this is the kind of situation that turns into serious heartache. Not always, of course...but for me...the risk is way too great, and the reward, not enough. I want more. My way of doing things would be to get to know who a person truly is... well enough to decide whether they are marriage material. When you know that they are marriage material...then date them. This way, the dating has a foundation holding it up, and it's confirmation of a love, respect and honor, that already exists, rather than a "slippery," trial and error process with the anticipation of love attached, but no guarantee that it works.

The problem is the belief that a person must "date" in order to meet somebody to begin with. I can't seem to only be friends with a nice guy and then watch that blossom into something else...which is what I want most. It's hard to keep all that anticipation at bay, and hard to stay away from the trap of dating purely for the sake of dating. Even online, this a real challenge because if you're on a dating website...well, you see where I'm going with this. I suppose this is proof that love always happens when we're not looking for it. If a person is dating, they are basically setting up a situation with the hope that love will be the end result. Sometimes, this works. But, for me, it has never seemed to work because I would end up canceling out my own efforts. In trying to ensure that I reached my "destination" of a serious relationship, I couldn't enjoy the "ride" getting there. This is because I would have to try so hard not to run into heartache. There would be fear that this would happen and it would leve me distrustful, and unable to enjoy very much. Aside from that...trying to anticipate what the other person was feeling left me a bundle of nerves.

Another difficult aspect of dating, for me, is physical touch. What's appropriate...what is not? What does HE think is appropriate and not? How would I know? It's not like we had a meeting to discuss this beforehand :). I'm an old fashioned girl. For me, sex is only to be within the confines of marriage, and I'm of the belief that too much physical touch can ignite a "fire" that can't be put out. (especially if you REALLY like the guy!). For us girls, this can be followed by morning sickness, and then nine months later, a screaming baby. (I was a counselor at a Pregnancy Care Center...it happens all the time). Besides that, I'm of the belief that if I've only just met a guy, I am not yet comfortable with him holding my hand or putting his head on my shoulder (yet). Can't blame guy for trying, but for me, this is the "we need to talk" (politely) stage, because we've only just met each other. What I usually see modeled for me is that "we need to talk" does not come until a heart is about to be crushed, because the hope of a relationship is ending. (Did it ever get started?). This is why I think it's better to wait until you know that a person is marriage material before you date them. This way, a mutual desire is built up for things like hand holding, kisses, that sorta thing... and both have had the chance to discuss limits, beliefs, convictions...all that sorta stuff. that one of my personal protections that I have put in place, is never allowing someone to touch me in what I consider an intimate way, simply because I figure it's what I should do because we're dating. Getting to know each other as friends takes the guess work out of it, because you've had time to find out how the other feels about these things.

Anyway, this is just more evidence, I think, of my "backwards" life. :). I hope someday, I'll find a guy to be backwards with, and we can do it together. :). Until then, I think I'll keep enjoying who I am and save myself a lot of compromising, confusion and mixed messages. No disrespect to anyone who dates...if it works for you...more power to ya! For me personally, it just opens up too many shades of grey that are too confusing for me. I'm waiting for something that works better.

Just Be Yourself...You Can Do It!!

So, Raj, on "The Big Bang Theory" has this really cute girl that he's into. She's adorable, but very afraid of spontaneous social situations (I can relate). She has a habit of "escaping" out windows while on dates. She's done this twice, that I remember. Anyway, Raj had wanted her to meet his friend's... all of them together. When she became overwhelmed, Raj suggests that she meet them one at a time. Now I won't say anymore, in case you have not seen it.

Anyway, anyone who watches BBT on a regular basis, knows that Raj won't (can't) even speak to girls unless he's had a little, or a lot of alcohol to loosen him up. Now, EVERYBODY, girls and guys, gets nervous when talking to someone who they don't know, and who is attractive. But it's my personal opinion that each character on BBT has autistic traits or characteristics. I've since heard this opinion expressed by others; but ironically, interviews with Jim Parsons who plays Sheldon reveal that supposedly, the writers of this show had no intention of making these characters autistic... (Ha ha... yeah right!) :). So, Raj, with all his cuteness and sensitivity and social awkwardness, uses alcohol to loosen him up in situations involving attractive women.

This gave me a scary thought last night. What if, this is how many people become alcoholics...but it's just never talked about? I've actually been thinking about that all night. Now, I only began learning about Autism in the last year and a half. Researching it became an obsession of mine...because I suspect that I HAVE it! Every once in a while, I will drink alcohol...but I have to be VERY careful with it. I have NEVER been drunk or hug over, and I never intend to be. But even a small amount of alcohol does affect me. I become warm very quickly and, my muscles become super relaxed. My ability to balance (which is already impaired because of CP) becomes affected. And very soon after, I fall asleep! This is why, I RARELY drink, and when I do, it's very little. But, in all honesty, it would probably do me better to just give it up entirely. Now, those with autism have sensory issues. alcohol (as I just described) affects a persons senses. Considering that most people with Autism do things in excess... See where I'm going with this?

I grew up in an alcoholic home. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and my step dad was an alcoholic. In both situations, the excessive alcohol would cause changes in mood and temperament. Most of these were not good. I personally don't NEED any alcohol to cause changes in my mood and temperament. It's just a fact. I'm a sweet girl... anyone who knows me will tell you. Wonderful, passionate, person. I secretly wish that I could just be nice and pleasant all the time... still working to obtain this, but I know that this will never happen... haha! :). My high level of sensitivity can cause me to be very insensitive as well. I get overwhelmed easily, and scared that secretly, everybody around me will "discover" that I am not "with it," or I have no idea what I'm talking about. Gee, isn't that more of a guy thing? (I've read). But I've also read that studies have been done that "conclude" that women with AS tend to have more "male" brains. Great. So, is this the REAL reason guys can't seem to "pursue" me? I've always wondered.

Anyway, do I blame Raj for needing a little alcohol before he can approach women? No... of course not. Amen to our guys! Autistic or not, they have a difficult job. Besides, Raj is just a TV character. But what happens to a person when they "need" this too many times? What happens when they start "needing" it more and more because the amount that they began with isn't enough? (Your system builds up tolerance to it..absolutely!). So, for someone who is autistic, how is all this magnified or made worse? Well, I know people generally drink it because it relaxes them. But I've seen enough evidence to know, that it just makes some people really stupid...seriously. My own dad, is one of the sweetest, most sensitive people I know. But for years, I did not KNOW that, because his extremely sensitive, passionate self was covered by a "wall" of alcohol. Alcohol, and all the mood changes it brought. (Either that, or he would get wasted and pass out.)

Now, I'm not saying this to make my dad look bad. My father has said to me many times that he has not been the best dad to me, and he's apologized for that. He's sober now, and our relationship is actually better than it was when I was a kid. Dad's honesty alone, has made him my hero...but I have a feeling he would not believe me if I told him that. :). My step-dad...he could be another blog entry altogether! But, long story (kinda) short... I am now wondering if both my dad and my step-dad are/were autistic. I seriously wonder whether we never knew it because our families never knew anything about Autism, and we learned to blame all the dysfunction on the alcohol abuse (???). In program we are taught that the drinking is only a symptom of a deeper turmoil going on inside. So many mistakenly believe that when an alcoholic quits drinking, the problems will stop. Nope. Now you've gotta deal with what started the drinking to begin with.

As you might imagine, I've spent a lot of time trying to "figure out" how these things happen in the first place. One of my biggest fears is marrying a man who really is the greatest man alive, but feels that he can't function without alcohol. I have no statistic on how much MORE vulnerable an Autistic person might be to abusing alcohol, (because lets say Raj is Autistic) but I encourage everyone to make it their goal to just be themselves. Besides, alcohol is expensive...and very bitter! I wrote in another blog entry that I know alcohol is an acquired taste, but I don't get how anyone can acquire a taste for that! Keep your breath sweet...seriously. You have a much better chance of getting kisses and hugs. If your moral code tells you not to touch alcohol, then don't. My feeling is, you'll be much better off. It's better to stay in control, and know that you're wonderful and fascinating all by yourself. :)

On the Bottom of the Ocean.

I have never smoked anything. Not cigarettes or anything else. I was in my early twenties before I drank alcohol for the first time. If I recall correctly, it was a glass of champagne at a wedding...and I did not finish it because I didn't like it! I've often heard that alcohol is an acquired taste, but I didn't understand how anyone could acquire a taste for that!

I've always been known as a "good girl.". I followed the rules, and was very likable. I was the one who always got good citizenship awards in school. In junior high, I had a really rough time because so many of my friend's were doing things that I knew were wrong. I never snuck out of the house or tried to take my mom's car. I never lied and said I was somewhere when I was not. My conscience just would not let me do those things. Besides, from the time I was six years old, I had seen Bill Cosby's skit called " Having A Good Time.". Hilarious, because he was only acting it out, but there's no way I would ever want to do that in real life! To this day, I never have.

Recently, however...I did get high. It was not intentional, and I did not smoke a thing...but I did get high. The short version is that someone I knew had a chocolate bar, which was a little more than a chocolate bar, and they shared some with me, and I ate too much of it. Now, I've used things with CBD in them before. I've done a lot of reading up on this... all the health benefits. I have a license, and I personally, have only purchased things with CBD. What can I say, it seems to keep me from getting sick and lessens my anxiety... No high. Good. I never wanted the high. I only wanted to feel better. There was no deception going on here, I knew what was in the chocolate bar. But I did not know that if the MJ is concentrated, it makes the the "effects" more powerful... And besides, I thought I would just sleep it off. Now, I have no serious illnesses, but I've heard story after story of people with very serious illnesses, feeling better and wanting to eat again and able to get off certain medications. I've heard stories of people who were not sick, just generally feeling better and able to function better... this is with the "high"... the concentrated MJ that goes right into your bloodstream...With all sorts of different things like brownies, gingerbread, cookies, chocolate bars...Yum! I admit, I looked forward to trying it! My sincere belief was that I would sleep better.

This...is not what happened. I had eaten two squares of the chocolate bar, which was equivalent to 2 servings...not the smartest thing...considering I'd NEVER had it before...But, you live and you learn... I sat in the living room with my family and watched TV for another hour...feeling completely normal. It was only right before we all said goodnight, that I began to feel... not right. I began to get a "warm" sensation all around me, and in my head, I began to (sort of, "separate" from what was going on in the room. I literally seemed to go off into space (In my head)... part of me still knowing that I was there in the living room, and we were saying goodnight, but I became aware that a much bigger part of me was losing control of my ability to to function normally. I had to "remind myself" to tell my mom goodnight. :). That did not come naturally to me. There was suddenly this SLOW voice inside my head...and I became aware that this was my brain trying to "tell" me how to function! I could barely get into bed that night because this bizarre sort of "haze" seemed to take over my whole body. It was sorta like I was "locked" into it, and I couldn't get out. But there was always a "clear" part of my mind that let me know where I was. It was sorta like being inside the maze in "Labryth". Which door would get me out? In this case, I thought sleep would. I was wrong. All my limbs suddenly felt like they were made of lead. I laid down on my bed, and suddenly felt like I was stuck in the sand, under the very deepest part of the ocean, with all that water on top of me. It was literally like the bed had to "catch" me when I laid down. I felt like, if it had not, I would've just kept falling.

I turned over on my side, and prayed for sleep at that point. I did not like this feeling at all...I WANTED IT OVER. I did go to sleep, and I had the most powerful dreams I've ever experienced. A couple times, I was up in the clouds. A couple times, I seemed to be floating in space. A couple times, it was like I was inside a tie dye T-shirt...colors everywhere!! They were gorgeous, but underneath all that...I seemed to be screaming: what the he'll is happening to me?? My mother's problems began when I woke up later that night. She later told me that she knew when I had to turn two lights on just to get down the hall...something was wrong. I came out of the bathroom and my mom was talking to me. It sounded like she said a million words, at the end of them, she asked me how I was doing. My mouth dropped, and I went... WHAT?? Like I had a mega phone. My mom said

"Yeah...okay honey.". She knew... and I KNEW she knew.

Now, mom knew exactly what was happening...and was not mad at me in the least. But, when you're high...paranoia sets in...big time!! I felt like a little child...afraid she was gonna get the belt on her backside. Now, understand, I already have issues with depth perception and things because of Cerebral Palsy...now, I was high as a kite on top of that! Mom stood in front of me and walked me down the hall and sat me down on the edge of my bed. Mom sat on the bed next to me (I don't know how many times I'd already asked her whether she was mad at me). She kept saying, "Honey, I'm absolutely positive...I'm not mad at you.". Next thing I knew, I had my head on her shoulder, and I was bawling like a baby. For me, it was like my entire moral core had been violated or something. In truth, it took a full 24 hours for that "high" to work it's way through my system. Mom slept with me in my bed that night...and I experienced things I had literally, up to that point, only seen on TV...

My sense of sound was magnified...big time. I heard a car door slam and it sounded like a gun went off. And yet, everything sounded "hallow," like I was far away from it somehow. I'd start talking and be aware that I was talking and what I was saying...but being unable to stop. I rambled on and on about...what a good person I was and why couldn't I find anybody?, and various fiascos I'd been through because of misunderstandings with people. I remember being so thirsty, I couldn't stand it. I felt like I was out in the desert without any water. Then I'd be so hungry I couldn't stand it... just starving! I remember thinking that if this is what a "trip" is like, then I needed for this one to be over. I started missing my normal, boring, mundane life, and wanting it back...NOW!! I remember making "deals" with God, that if He would just let me feel normal again, I would never do that again...not that I ever MEANT to do it the first time...but isn't that how it usually happens with people who smoke it too? I had not smoked a thing...yet here I was, experiencing what someone might go through if they DID smoke it.

So, I know from (accidental) experience now, that being high...is something I never want to be again (personally). This experience affects people in different ways. Some go through it and sorta get used to it, and have no problem with it. Some say it actually helps them relax; some say it helps them to function better (!!!). Okay. I won't argue with you. Some very ill people have gotten tremendous relief with it. I won't get into the whole MJ debate right now, but let's just say that I'm not here to judge anyone. But personally, I never want to feel (not) in control of myself like that again. By the way, I will never smoke it, because I've smelled other people smoke it, and it stinks! Ironically, it was this truth that made me believe that I would never feel the effects of it. Be very careful with "edibles". I would venture to say that if you have a condition which affects your sensory perception, depth perception, or balance, you may even think it better to stay away from them altogether. The thing is, it is difficult to know what amount will affect people in what way. And edibles are a tricky thing because they are REALLY good! That chocolate was some of the best I've ever had. Obviously, one should not eat them like you would normally eat sweets. Now, don't get me wrong...never before have I only eaten two squares of a candy bar. This was me using discretion because I knew this was not just a candy bar, but that (for me) was too much.

So I'm still a big believer in the benefits without the high...but the high itself? No thank you! If you've never been high before, and you wonder what it feels like, my advice would be find something to do to serve others and keep your mind clear. Believe me... That "high" is much more powerful, and you never have to lose control or wish you could get your life back!! Getting high does not make you an adult (at one point, my mom was rocking me like a baby) and it can make you very vulnerable in dangerous ways. It turns the volume way up on your senses and desires, and can cause you to do things that leave you unsafe. In my case, I was at home, with my understanding mom watching out for me; but I'd imagine many people have different experiences. If I had been on my own that night, with access to a vehicle, I don't like to think about what may have happened. There's a big chance that I may have not even made it out the door TO drive (I literally could barely stand up). But it really occurred to me that night, that this can be how terrible accidents can happen). I do not believe that people should be penalized for possessing it and things like that. But I also believe that for many, the best thing is to just stay away from it. Remember, I was not TRYING to get high, and why people would WANT to get high, I don't know, because in my case, it was scary and awful.

Autism in Love...

I've heard it sad that the word "autism" means one or self. But like everyone, Autistics desire to be in love and have relationships. Independent film makers Matt Fuller and Carolina Groppa are working on a documentary film called "Autism in Love.". This movie follows real stories of real people on the spectrum, and their experiences being in a relationship, or desiring to find the right person. They need our help however, if this amazing project is to be completed. Please take a minute to view the sizzle reel, and donate if you can. Thanks!

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/autisminlove/autism-in-love-0

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