Gather Ye Rosebuds While Ye May... (Kinda corny, but oh well!)

Wow. So much being stirred up in me today! It's hard to know where to begin. As usual, Facebook posts and things I've heard over the radio have me needing to write like crazy. But how to bring it all together?...

I finished reading a blog post this morning about end times prophecy, basically, and one of the YouTube videos posted dealt with this...meteor?? that is supposedly going to hit the Earth (according to the guy who made the video). This meteor will apparently not be part of the Tribulation period, but will be a sign of God's judgement on us, telling us to turn back to him. Scripture out of the book of Daniel was used to back it up. Do I believe this? I think it's possible, but that those who have "grafted into the Olive Tree," need not fear. Trust in God, and know that He is your hope, always. This is the most important thing we can do. I also think that whether this happens or not, the world is talking endlessly about preparing for disaster. People are saying: Stock up on food and water. They're also saying martial law is coming to take over, and people will be taken from their homes. Just do a general YouTube search, you'll find it.

So, a few things...first of all, if people are just making it month to month, like most folks are, how are they supposed to afford all this extra food and water? Secondly, if we are taken from our homes, or asked to leave, how is all that extra food and water we stored at home going to help us? Thirdly (for those of us able to afford guns) since each one of them must be registered, how are we supposed to get our hands on one that is not registered so it can't be tracked? Seriously...I mean, there's a lot of talk out there about everyone being required to turn over their firearms, right? Yes. So it would seem to me that if you're "caught" with guns that are not registered, in the eyes of the law, you now have them illegally and you can then be arrested, I would guess. Do I think this is right, or fair? No, because our constitution states that we have right to bear arms. In other words, we have the right to protect ourselves. I believe we are slowly being stripped of that right, which is horrible, I think, and I read just last week that IF someone does show up at your home, and want you to leave, under no circumstances whatsoever are you to go with them, or let them take you somewhere else. Agreed...but with no way of protecting ourselves (if worst comes to worst), when "they" have the uniforms and the guns, and we don't...how do we keep this from happening?

People believe we are in the last of the Last Days, and I agree with them, I must admit. Severe earthquakes, diverse weather conditions, spiritual awakening like never before coupled with darkness like never before...it's all foretold in scripture, and here, we seem to be right in the middle o it. I remember when Hurricane Katrina hit...how unprepared people were for the disaster. People who were forced out of their homes suddenly had no time at all to "gather" anything, like extra food, water, clothes, important papers or documents, family photos...nothing. In most cases, these were all things that folks had prepared for ahead of time; but with not even time to respond, those preparations were not of any use.

So, I say, stay informed on what's going out there sure, but get your news from more then just the mainstream media simply so you have other perspectives, stock up because this is good planing in general, and it also might help others too...not just because you believe it's your only option and it's being done out of fear. Be generous because the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. "watch therefore, for you know not the day or the hour.". No, but we CAN know the SEASON in which these things take place, and remember, when the scripture says (beware), for you know not...He's speaking to those who have not prepared their HEARTS to meet the Lord. He's speaking to those who are the FOOLISH virgins...not the WISE ones! Remember the parable? In other words, the WISE virgins CAN and will know the SEASON in which these things take place...because they are the ones who have taken the time to "gather enough oil" in order to "keep their lamps burning" so they are ready when their Bridegroom comes to get them. Perhaps this should even be a post for one of my other blogs, called "What is this Crazy Faith" too. But my advice to anyone afraid of living in these last days would be: "Fear not.". Live it up...live each day like it's your last because we serve a FAITHFUL God...not because your fearful. Go ahead and stock up on whatever you need to, but then, pass it around...give to those in need. Help someone who's struggling. I would also encourage you to remember that we DO have an enemy out there, and his goal is to steal, kill and destroy. This is helpful to keep in mind when scary things do happen, because our enemy might win the battle...but he will not win the WAR.

In other news, I love Mayam Bialik's blog and I've written about it before. Yesterday, she posted about a woman who took her family on a journey to stop eating meat. Bialik said that she's wished this lady would've talked to her, because there are a lot of other reasons to not eat meat besides avoiding hot dogs. "Yes, I thought...but this is a really GOOD start!". I commented on the post, talking about substitutes that are out there for those who want alternatives to meat...but that these generally don't taste very good...so I've heard.

I too would like to quit eating meat, but what I said on Facebook is thar I think it's better to "just drop the other shoe, as they say and quit eating it, and forget the substitutes"... I also said that if a person has eaten meat all their life, it's hard to just stop eating it altogether...so we're still eating ground turkey and turkey bacon! :)). I didn't look at any of the comments after that, but I have my own reason's for not wanting to eat meat anymore. I once had a substitute teacher who said that he was diabetic...and that what made his blood sugar spike more than anything was hotdogs and processed lunch meats. (He told the class this). I'm not even sure how the subject came to that... but he was trying to explain that the stereo-type is that SWEETS were the main unhealthy culprit in diabetes, and he was saying that's not always true. I remember wondering why people would want to keep eating those things if they're that bad for you. I would imagine it's because people have no idea that these things are this bad for you. Now, this was a long time ago...but I never forgot it. I've eaten plenty of hotdogs since then, but now have many more reasons for not wanting to eat meat.

I was watching Oprah one day, and she took her viewers "inside" some poultry farms around the US, explaining that chicken is often injected with hormones to make it heavier and plumper so people will be more apt to buy it. But apparently, this does not only happen when the chicken is packaged. These chickens are often injected with hormones while they are still alive to make them grow bigger. I was broken-hearted as I saw these poor chickens collapsing under their own weight, just trying to walk around the chicken coop. Awful. I saw the movie "Super-Size Me" online, and again was broken hearted to see this really healthy guy, destroy his health doing the experiment to see what life is like everyday for someone who eats nothing but fast food, super-sized. He was literally, sick and tired...all the time. He was sluggish. He became very irritable and had trouble concentrating, and (it gets worse) he would need to vomit while finishing all of these super sized chemicals. But the one I felt really bad for was his girlfriend, who was (of all things) a registered dietitian. During the experiment, she helped him monitor (and watched him destroy) his blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, weight gain, etc. "It kills me to see him suffering like this," she said. And on Facebook, one evening, musician Julian Lennon posted a photo of a huge metal bin, inside of which, it looked like there was...strawberry frozen yogurt. This what many people guessed...yogurt or ice cream. It was smooth and peaked on top like soft serve, or some rich dessert. Not even close... this pink stuff was in fact processed chicken product found in many chicken sandwiches and chicken nuggets at fast food places.

Well, at this point, I wanted to throw up! I thought of all the times I had unknowingly eaten...THIS?? But it was covered in batter, heavily seasoned and deep-fried! So what did I know?? On another occasion, I was in England, staying with some dear friends, and they served the most wonderful stuffed peppers for dinner! The peppers had ground lamb in them rather than beef. The lamb was much more flavorful than any ground beef...I loved it! I gladly sat and had an amazing meal, but later on... all I could think of, was what that meat had been..before it was meat. At some point, it was a cute little, baaah, baaah baby sheep! A "sheepie" as I loved to call them.. How could I eat them?? It's for this reason that I won't eat duck. I'm sure it tastes AMAZING when it's cooked well, but how could I stop thinking about a little, quacking, waddling duck? Poor baby! It's the same with deer meat...which I LOVE, by the way! I've had it breaded like pork chops and made into patties like sausage...both of which were very good, because that meat was hunted, cleaned and cooked properly. But, it was once a sweet little deer! Did it have little spots on it's back, like Bambi? Was it a doe, with those huge, intense, innocent eyes? Goodness! Pork...okay...this is probably the hardest one for me, because I LOVE bacon, sausage, pork chops, pork roast with apple sauce, sweet and sour pork, pork fried rice, and then there's one of my favorite foods on earth...chille' verde'...that wonderful shredded pork, with hot, green chillies, eaten with flour tortillas. To me, it's like Heaven on a plate...ironic, considering it sets your mouth on fire when you eat it! But that's what makes it so good! But the thing is...before it is shredded pork...it's a piggy! It's Wilbur from "Charlotte's Web," it's a momma who might've nursed little piglets...PIGLET! It's Piglet! It's Miss Piggy! It might be the little pot-bellied piggy from "Uptown Girls," how do I know??

Now, have I gone over the edge with examples? Of course. This is now overdone, and just to be clear, I am not telling anyone else that they need to not eat meat...not at all. The kicker came for me when I was convicted that there are certain foods we are asked to not eat in scripture. Here I was, claiming to believe in the God who authored the Old and New Testaments, but believing that the instructions in the Old Covenant do not apply to me. I now know that this is not the truth. I suppose this has nothing to do with the Bridegroom returning, it was just something I responded to yesterday that got me thinking...and thinking some more! I think there are things in many of our foods that most people wouldn't believe and that might be one reason there is so much sickness in the world. Anyway, maybe someday I'll write a book. I'd love to, actually, but that's another story for another day. :))

Election...

Welp... It's that time of year again. November 4th is the big day. Of course, I'm talking about voting. I know voting can be exciting because it can be a chance to influence change. So we are told. How many times have you heard the phrase: "Well, we voted them into office, so...". How about, "Well, if you don't vote, then you can't complain.". I understand the reasoning behind both statements...but I do not agree with either one. A stronger statement might be... "Well, we're getting what we deserve.". Again, I understand, but I do not agree.

Every year, encouragement to vote seems to come a great deal from Christian media sources. The Christian media seems to say that it's our sacred duty to vote, and that if we ever want the state of things to change, Christians need to stand up and do something. The mainstream media, for the most part, seems to just sling mud at each candidate. In short, whomever is sponsoring the ad wants you to take their word for it (Why not? Those ads are not cheap!). First off, I am a Christian myself; however, my views on voting are probably not what you might think.

The truth is, I no longer vote...and I have not for some time. The reasons for this are several...a couple of which, I will explain. I realize that what I just said sounds like the most unpatriotic, unchristian thing possible; but I don't believe that it is. In truth, there really is only one reason that I do not vote anymore: I have no interest in being tricked or duped into anyone else's agendas or schemes. We all want change, of course, and we all have hopes of how we can make things better...sure. But there's no question that elections cost money...and lot's of it!

In truth, I liken elections to being an attorney...your objection is to win your case, correct? And sometimes, you have to do it based on a technicality, correct? This is what your paid for, and it's how you make a living, right? It's okay...I get it. Wow! Talk about pressure! Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but when you don't win, a lot is on the line, right? To me, an election is like this, but it's multiplied by millions...literally. I mean, as in millions of dollars. Every year, we are told how much our vote makes a difference, and to an extent, I think this could be true... but something tells me that most of the average citizens out there have no money to pay thousands of dollars a plate at some political dinner, or to fund a campaign. I think most us are relatively, or very educated people, who are subject to a very poor economy, and we either have no work, or low paying jobs. What we're doing is hoping and praying that someone else with enough money and power, and influence, will actually use that influence to HELP the VOTERS. (You know, all the little guys out there who are pressured like crazy to make their vote count.).

So, like clockwork, here come all the promises, and all the hype about everything that the tired worker bees (the general public) are all dying for, like WATER during a drought, more jobs so they can AFFORD to send their kids to college, better conditions for our amazing farmers (God bless them) who cannot grow our food without the water, and more safety in our schools. Things like that. Sounds good, doesn't it? Of course! This is why everyone running for office promises these things. Folks, I've never seen any of these things come to be...never.


You know those guides that come in the mail that are supposed to explain what your vote REALLY means? How many times have you read all through that guide, and voted and then discovered you were still mislead about something it said? How many times have you been just minding your own business, just walking into the grocery store and somebody at a table with a clip board asks you if you are registered to vote? If you say no, of course, you are pressured to register. If you say yes, Heaven help you because suddenly they NEED your signature for one petition that they incoherently explain, and then they transform this into three or four signatures for OTHER things that you may or may not agree with, and unbeknownst to you, they are receiving "cool points" based on the political party you say you belong to. I learned that this means kudos for those collecting the signatures...but not for me. I used to gladly sign those things because I thought I was helping people. I've since found out though that many of these signatures in fact DON'T bring about the change that we are told they will. Now, in fairness, some of these folks do this for a charity, and they truly believe in the cause, and they want to be honest about it; but in many cases, there is payment involved based on a preset criteria they have to meet, and also many hidden agendas that the signer does not know they are agreeing or disagreeing to. Therefore, I believe that these petitions, and the voters guides, make liars out of otherwise honest citizens, who believe they are informed, and only trying to do the right thing. This is extremely unethical because we absolutely do NOT have all the information we need to make a FREE choice about what we're signing.

Forgive me, but, to all who play the "sacred responsibility" card every time there's an election: Where in Bible does it say that it's our sacred responsibility to allow someone with a hidden agenda to make a liar out of us by stealing our support? (Or our opposition, as the case might be?). But it get's worse...what about all the honest folks who thoroughly read their voters guides so that they are educated about what they're voting for? Many, MANY times, in the end, the issues voters BELIEVE they are voting for, turn out to be something else entirely, and only AFTER the wrong things are put in place does the media "uncover" the "changes" that were made. Ironically, this is the same media that both promotes, and slings mud at both the candidates and the issues. How does the public even know what's REALLY going on.

We really don't. So, guess what happens? Generally, a lot of favors end up going to influential people with enough money to "buy" people's votes. This is very sad, but it's true, I think. Speaking Biblically, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.". What does this have to with politicians lying and being supported by people with huge amounts of money? This is the way the world works, to be sure, but it has nothing to do with a sacred responsibility. The fact is, money talks...that's just the way it usually is. Besides, how many times have you read your voters ballad and thought, "Who is that? Wait, who is that?". Chances are, the names you don't recognize are the little guys who did not have the funds for an expensive campaign or media coverage. Are THESE the guys we should be voting for? Probably...but who knows who they are?? Staying on the Bible Belt (as it were)... When was the last time you saw a truly conservative Christian WIN at anything political? For instance, back in the day, I voted for Allen Keys for president. Remember him? No? See? My point exactly.
He was a conservative Christian who did not support abortion. It is the Christian's sacred responsibility to uphold such a candidate, correct? (you would think, right?). He had the dinero to support his campaign... That was not his issue...but because he stood for many of the things Christians stand for, I think our liberal media, where most people get ALL their political information, did not mention him. Now, the Christian media did...but his name was still buried on the ballot, under the more popular candidates who were in all the commercials. Therefore,not enough people voted for him, and he did not win.

So what happens then, to all the voters (regardless of beliefs) who's convictions are NOT reflected at all in the final outcome? I think they are left feeling as though they must now succumb to a government that bothers their conscience. In short, they DID their "sacred duty" but their voice was not listened to. (At least, it would seem). For those that win, I'm always left wondering how many of those votes were actually "bought" and paid for. This isn't an ethical, free choice... it's manipulation. Most of the time, this manipulation is NOT our fault (if ever), but, as Christians, is it our "sacred duty" to jump on this "bandwagon"? As citizens, period, is it fair to say that if we don't vote, we can't complain? Possibly, but what about all those who DID vote? Are THEY now "getting what they deserve"? I don't think so. It seems to me that we are left with political figures with really expensive campaigns that need to be paid for, and agendas we (the public) know little to nothing about.

Now, please don't misunderstand me. I am not telling anyone NOT to vote here. Be as educated as you can be, and go ahead and let your voice be heard, by all means. I am simply saying that I believe a majority of the "average Joe's" out there who DO vote, will not be listened to. I know that personally, I have become disillusioned...and I no longer WANT to vote. I am embarrassed. It's like in the book of Proverbs when it talks about wasting your wisdom on fools and only having them resent you for it. I'm just asking whether this is a "sacred responsibility" I have, or not? According to much of the Christian media I listen to, it is this sort of apathy that prevents any real changes from taking place. So if we want folks in office who actually support what we believe in, we as Christians need to really get out there and VOTE! Really? In this world of a two party system that is set up to fail? In this world of hidden agendas and big money paid out "buy" people's votes? (whether democrat or republican). It is my opinion that those in the political arena with the most money are able to have the most influence. It's sorta like in the movie "Independence Day" when the President is shown area 51. He asks where the funding for something like that comes from. Actor Judd Hirsch who plays Julius says: "You don't really think they spend twenty five thousand dollars on a hammer.". Now, of course, all of this is my opinion...I just wonder how many people share it.

So what's the solution? Hmmm... as a Christian, my view is extremely to the "right"... I know. :) I doubt I'll have "wings" when I get to Heaven but anyway, there it is. Jesus says he remembers even a cup of water given in his name. Gee, we may not be able to do this too much longer, I mean, we're running out of water quickly. Does this not prove that our resources are being stripped from us? Because, if so, then why do I want to vote? If I do, will we not still be losing water? (just as an example)? As I said at the start, elections are expensive, and more often than not, the taxpayers in this country don't know exactly what their money's being used for. So, how do we know what our vote will be used for? Hopefully, at least some of the votes counted will go towards the issues explained on the ballot, but my own better judgement tells me that there are simply no guarantees. So, this, ladies and gentleman is why I don't vote. In my opinion, there is a different kind of election that is eternally mote important. (Read John 3:16-17). God is knocking on the door of each one of our hearts, extending an invitation to us to invite him in, so he can transform us to the image of his son. (Revelation 3:20). Quite honestly, this is the "election" I would want to find out more about.

Inspiration...

I actually bought a skirt today. Beautiful paisley pattern. It fits and it's cute...it would just look more attractive on a thinner body. I'm sure this is no accident...it's the same with the pink shirt I found: It's a Medium...which used to be my size (as in, it used to fit me with plenty of room). Now it's tight on me. And I have a noticeable belly. Now, when I say tight, I don't mean tight, as in I can't get it on, or anything. I mean tight, as in..literally in between sizes, as in ten years slower metabolism, as in: "You are not twenty something anymore."

I also found these beautiful hair clips. One of them is just as bright as the pink shirt I found. Anyway, I got them as inspiration for the length I want my hair to actually be. (I can't wear them yet) :). I have them arranged strategically with my other hair clips to sorta give the joint atmosphere.

Man...I just hope I'm really doing this for myself, and not trying to please somebody else. I mean...I keep thinking about the guy I wish I had in my life. Am I doing this for him? My first thought is "I don't think so!". But am I? Nothing wrong with wanting to look amazing...but how can I help it if some GUY doesn't notice it? Anyway...isn't that HIS problem? Isn't that HIS loss? Yep. I'm doing this so that I feel the best I can about ME. Anyway, so many of the little things we girls do for our MEN are things that they aren't even wired to notice anyway. Costume designer Edith Head once said that we should dress for men, and not women, because it's a lot less competitive.

Interesting because, she wasn't talking about turning guys on. She meant that guys don't tend to care what label is in a woman's clothes, or how they are cut, or even whether or not they match. WOMEN are the one's concerned with all of this! We spend hours putting together just the right outfit...color, style, fabric. We have to pay attention to how it's cut, so that we are covered in all the right places. We have to keep in mind the length, and whether it's right for our body type. Does it feel comfortable on us? Hey, if we could wear sweats and tees all the time, it'd be perfect...but, alas (sigh) :). Well, I'm off to jump on my trampoline!

New Direction

ME. The day that I got (what I hope) is my last actual haircut.
Now, I'm hoping for just trims to take care of split ends. My hair has grown out since this pic,
(which was in March of this year).
Anyway, the tops I have are both from a time when I was slimmer.
Still cute, but don't fit quite the way I want. :)


I'm taking this in a different direction for now. I ordered a rebounder trampoline a couple days ago and it has now arrived. Ha! I was thinking that when I got it, I'd be able to jump on it for...an hour at a time, maybe? Yeah right! I'm blessed if I can make it through an entire song! But man, does it give a work out! All over...in a very short time!

So this has really got me thinking...thinking that I LOVED the body I had in high school! Now, don't misunderstand me; I'm proud of the body I have now... still tall, of course, and people have trouble guessing my age, because I don't look it. I'll take that! :). That's good! But I need a challenge, and now...I have no excuse! Before, it was that these are triple digit temps. and there isn't room to actually exercise. But the trampoline's up...and after about 4 minutes, I'm sweating already! So, I want my body from high school back...so I can ware the clothes I really want to ware and look as well in them as I did back then. I'm still a very stylin' woman...but the body I was happiest with was the one I had back then. Now, keeping in mind that clothing manufactures intentionally are MAKING clothes smaller all the time, so that we girls will BELIEVE we need to KEEP. Losing weight. ...(Oh, yes, they are!), how do I realistically do this?

I mean, when I was a in high school, sizes 6, 8 & 10 were small. Sizes 12 & 14 were a medium, and 16, 18 were large. So, by THOSE standards, I was small, back then. I'm a medium now...but not a medium by today's standards...medium by THOSE standards. By TODAY's sizes, I'm a large. Nope...don't think so. If the INDUSTRY thinks so...oh well! See ladies, a horrible trick is being played on us...and it isn't fair! Don't punish yourself for gaining a few pounds...chances are your CLOTHES aren't even the size they should be! That being said, how do I set a realistic goal for myself? I wanna be a ten. But what a ten used to be, is now a twelve! Oh snap! Hold on! So, do I not have as much work to do as I thought?? I'm a 14 now (and proud of it)!, but really, that would be a 12! So I'm looking to go down TWO sizes then...not four! So, If I shoot for a ten, (by today's standards, I'll be an 8! Thats's just wonderful enough to be amazing, but not unhealthy!...and I could ware the clothes I really wanted to.

One last thing...I've been just cutting my hair short by default, especially now that it's summer. It's always cute and wonderful, and all that (and easy to take care of, yeah, yeah yeah). But, for years, I've wanted gorgeous, long hair. Could I handle taking care of it? I've never really let myself find out. It's always ended up short because apparently, it looks so much better. It's hard for me to have long hair for a number of reasons. It would be tricky now too because of the grey that keeps creeping out. But, I've had to get used to coloring it anyway, which is no small task when it's long (and not cheap). But there is a certain picture I found...of this absolutely gorgeous color! Not that this could not be applied to short hair...but would be so much more gorgeous if my hair were long. So, I'm putting a serious effort into it. Gonna grow it long! Been looking into different things I can do to help it grow faster, that kinda thing. I figure, this can't hurt me; I need to take better care of myself, anyway (drinking more water, that kinda thing).

So, I'm going to blog it. I'll post pics, and write down the In's and out's...and the results. I'm giving myself till Christmas. Four months to become the size I really want to be. (With that trampoline, I think I can do it!) Now, of course it will take a lot longer for my hair to be the length I want; but I figure, if I shoot for Christmas, that will give me the "head start" I need! :)

I hope this might challenge someone else to maybe make their own beginning, and do something for themselves that they've been putting off.

This is It... Is It?

Watch TV on any given evening, and people are constantly hooking up. This is the ultimate social status, and if people are not hooking up then they are desperately trying to remedy this. It's an endless rise and fall of agony extasy, and all seem to move on to someone else with little or no pain, without even batting an eye. The belief seems to be that if this emotional roller coaster ride does not take place, no long term partner will ever enter a person's life. But, with all due respect...I'd rather not.

How would it be to really get to know someone BEFORE you began to even date them? This, to me, seems like it could be a win/win situation, because even if the dating thing did not work out, there is a mutual respect for one another which goes beyond seeing someone by trial and error in order to determine whether this should be a "serious" relationship. Usually, this is the kind of situation that turns into serious heartache. Not always, of course...but for me...the risk is way too great, and the reward, not enough. I want more. My way of doing things would be to get to know who a person truly is... well enough to decide whether they are marriage material. When you know that they are marriage material...then date them. This way, the dating has a foundation holding it up, and it's confirmation of a love, respect and honor, that already exists, rather than a "slippery," trial and error process with the anticipation of love attached, but no guarantee that it works.

The problem is the belief that a person must "date" in order to meet somebody to begin with. I can't seem to only be friends with a nice guy and then watch that blossom into something else...which is what I want most. It's hard to keep all that anticipation at bay, and hard to stay away from the trap of dating purely for the sake of dating. Even online, this a real challenge because if you're on a dating website...well, you see where I'm going with this. I suppose this is proof that love always happens when we're not looking for it. If a person is dating, they are basically setting up a situation with the hope that love will be the end result. Sometimes, this works. But, for me, it has never seemed to work because I would end up canceling out my own efforts. In trying to ensure that I reached my "destination" of a serious relationship, I couldn't enjoy the "ride" getting there. This is because I would have to try so hard not to run into heartache. There would be fear that this would happen and it would leve me distrustful, and unable to enjoy very much. Aside from that...trying to anticipate what the other person was feeling left me a bundle of nerves.

Another difficult aspect of dating, for me, is physical touch. What's appropriate...what is not? What does HE think is appropriate and not? How would I know? It's not like we had a meeting to discuss this beforehand :). I'm an old fashioned girl. For me, sex is only to be within the confines of marriage, and I'm of the belief that too much physical touch can ignite a "fire" that can't be put out. (especially if you REALLY like the guy!). For us girls, this can be followed by morning sickness, and then nine months later, a screaming baby. (I was a counselor at a Pregnancy Care Center...it happens all the time). Besides that, I'm of the belief that if I've only just met a guy, I am not yet comfortable with him holding my hand or putting his head on my shoulder (yet). Can't blame guy for trying, but for me, this is the "we need to talk" (politely) stage, because we've only just met each other. What I usually see modeled for me is that "we need to talk" does not come until a heart is about to be crushed, because the hope of a relationship is ending. (Did it ever get started?). This is why I think it's better to wait until you know that a person is marriage material before you date them. This way, a mutual desire is built up for things like hand holding, kisses, that sorta thing... and both have had the chance to discuss limits, beliefs, convictions...all that sorta stuff. that one of my personal protections that I have put in place, is never allowing someone to touch me in what I consider an intimate way, simply because I figure it's what I should do because we're dating. Getting to know each other as friends takes the guess work out of it, because you've had time to find out how the other feels about these things.

Anyway, this is just more evidence, I think, of my "backwards" life. :). I hope someday, I'll find a guy to be backwards with, and we can do it together. :). Until then, I think I'll keep enjoying who I am and save myself a lot of compromising, confusion and mixed messages. No disrespect to anyone who dates...if it works for you...more power to ya! For me personally, it just opens up too many shades of grey that are too confusing for me. I'm waiting for something that works better.

Just Be Yourself...You Can Do It!!

So, Raj, on "The Big Bang Theory" has this really cute girl that he's into. She's adorable, but very afraid of spontaneous social situations (I can relate). She has a habit of "escaping" out windows while on dates. She's done this twice, that I remember. Anyway, Raj had wanted her to meet his friend's... all of them together. When she became overwhelmed, Raj suggests that she meet them one at a time. Now I won't say anymore, in case you have not seen it.

Anyway, anyone who watches BBT on a regular basis, knows that Raj won't (can't) even speak to girls unless he's had a little, or a lot of alcohol to loosen him up. Now, EVERYBODY, girls and guys, gets nervous when talking to someone who they don't know, and who is attractive. But it's my personal opinion that each character on BBT has autistic traits or characteristics. I've since heard this opinion expressed by others; but ironically, interviews with Jim Parsons who plays Sheldon reveal that supposedly, the writers of this show had no intention of making these characters autistic... (Ha ha... yeah right!) :). So, Raj, with all his cuteness and sensitivity and social awkwardness, uses alcohol to loosen him up in situations involving attractive women.

This gave me a scary thought last night. What if, this is how many people become alcoholics...but it's just never talked about? I've actually been thinking about that all night. Now, I only began learning about Autism in the last year and a half. Researching it became an obsession of mine...because I suspect that I HAVE it! Every once in a while, I will drink alcohol...but I have to be VERY careful with it. I have NEVER been drunk or hug over, and I never intend to be. But even a small amount of alcohol does affect me. I become warm very quickly and, my muscles become super relaxed. My ability to balance (which is already impaired because of CP) becomes affected. And very soon after, I fall asleep! This is why, I RARELY drink, and when I do, it's very little. But, in all honesty, it would probably do me better to just give it up entirely. Now, those with autism have sensory issues. alcohol (as I just described) affects a persons senses. Considering that most people with Autism do things in excess... See where I'm going with this?

I grew up in an alcoholic home. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and my step dad was an alcoholic. In both situations, the excessive alcohol would cause changes in mood and temperament. Most of these were not good. I personally don't NEED any alcohol to cause changes in my mood and temperament. It's just a fact. I'm a sweet girl... anyone who knows me will tell you. Wonderful, passionate, person. I secretly wish that I could just be nice and pleasant all the time... still working to obtain this, but I know that this will never happen... haha! :). My high level of sensitivity can cause me to be very insensitive as well. I get overwhelmed easily, and scared that secretly, everybody around me will "discover" that I am not "with it," or I have no idea what I'm talking about. Gee, isn't that more of a guy thing? (I've read). But I've also read that studies have been done that "conclude" that women with AS tend to have more "male" brains. Great. So, is this the REAL reason guys can't seem to "pursue" me? I've always wondered.

Anyway, do I blame Raj for needing a little alcohol before he can approach women? No... of course not. Amen to our guys! Autistic or not, they have a difficult job. Besides, Raj is just a TV character. But what happens to a person when they "need" this too many times? What happens when they start "needing" it more and more because the amount that they began with isn't enough? (Your system builds up tolerance to it..absolutely!). So, for someone who is autistic, how is all this magnified or made worse? Well, I know people generally drink it because it relaxes them. But I've seen enough evidence to know, that it just makes some people really stupid...seriously. My own dad, is one of the sweetest, most sensitive people I know. But for years, I did not KNOW that, because his extremely sensitive, passionate self was covered by a "wall" of alcohol. Alcohol, and all the mood changes it brought. (Either that, or he would get wasted and pass out.)

Now, I'm not saying this to make my dad look bad. My father has said to me many times that he has not been the best dad to me, and he's apologized for that. He's sober now, and our relationship is actually better than it was when I was a kid. Dad's honesty alone, has made him my hero...but I have a feeling he would not believe me if I told him that. :). My step-dad...he could be another blog entry altogether! But, long story (kinda) short... I am now wondering if both my dad and my step-dad are/were autistic. I seriously wonder whether we never knew it because our families never knew anything about Autism, and we learned to blame all the dysfunction on the alcohol abuse (???). In program we are taught that the drinking is only a symptom of a deeper turmoil going on inside. So many mistakenly believe that when an alcoholic quits drinking, the problems will stop. Nope. Now you've gotta deal with what started the drinking to begin with.

As you might imagine, I've spent a lot of time trying to "figure out" how these things happen in the first place. One of my biggest fears is marrying a man who really is the greatest man alive, but feels that he can't function without alcohol. I have no statistic on how much MORE vulnerable an Autistic person might be to abusing alcohol, (because lets say Raj is Autistic) but I encourage everyone to make it their goal to just be themselves. Besides, alcohol is expensive...and very bitter! I wrote in another blog entry that I know alcohol is an acquired taste, but I don't get how anyone can acquire a taste for that! Keep your breath sweet...seriously. You have a much better chance of getting kisses and hugs. If your moral code tells you not to touch alcohol, then don't. My feeling is, you'll be much better off. It's better to stay in control, and know that you're wonderful and fascinating all by yourself. :)

On the Bottom of the Ocean.

I have never smoked anything. Not cigarettes or anything else. I was in my early twenties before I drank alcohol for the first time. If I recall correctly, it was a glass of champagne at a wedding...and I did not finish it because I didn't like it! I've often heard that alcohol is an acquired taste, but I didn't understand how anyone could acquire a taste for that!

I've always been known as a "good girl.". I followed the rules, and was very likable. I was the one who always got good citizenship awards in school. In junior high, I had a really rough time because so many of my friend's were doing things that I knew were wrong. I never snuck out of the house or tried to take my mom's car. I never lied and said I was somewhere when I was not. My conscience just would not let me do those things. Besides, from the time I was six years old, I had seen Bill Cosby's skit called " Having A Good Time.". Hilarious, because he was only acting it out, but there's no way I would ever want to do that in real life! To this day, I never have.

Recently, however...I did get high. It was not intentional, and I did not smoke a thing...but I did get high. The short version is that someone I knew had a chocolate bar, which was a little more than a chocolate bar, and they shared some with me, and I ate too much of it. Now, I've used things with CBD in them before. I've done a lot of reading up on this... all the health benefits. I have a license, and I personally, have only purchased things with CBD. What can I say, it seems to keep me from getting sick and lessens my anxiety... No high. Good. I never wanted the high. I only wanted to feel better. There was no deception going on here, I knew what was in the chocolate bar. But I did not know that if the MJ is concentrated, it makes the the "effects" more powerful... And besides, I thought I would just sleep it off. Now, I have no serious illnesses, but I've heard story after story of people with very serious illnesses, feeling better and wanting to eat again and able to get off certain medications. I've heard stories of people who were not sick, just generally feeling better and able to function better... this is with the "high"... the concentrated MJ that goes right into your bloodstream...With all sorts of different things like brownies, gingerbread, cookies, chocolate bars...Yum! I admit, I looked forward to trying it! My sincere belief was that I would sleep better.

This...is not what happened. I had eaten two squares of the chocolate bar, which was equivalent to 2 servings...not the smartest thing...considering I'd NEVER had it before...But, you live and you learn... I sat in the living room with my family and watched TV for another hour...feeling completely normal. It was only right before we all said goodnight, that I began to feel... not right. I began to get a "warm" sensation all around me, and in my head, I began to (sort of, "separate" from what was going on in the room. I literally seemed to go off into space (In my head)... part of me still knowing that I was there in the living room, and we were saying goodnight, but I became aware that a much bigger part of me was losing control of my ability to to function normally. I had to "remind myself" to tell my mom goodnight. :). That did not come naturally to me. There was suddenly this SLOW voice inside my head...and I became aware that this was my brain trying to "tell" me how to function! I could barely get into bed that night because this bizarre sort of "haze" seemed to take over my whole body. It was sorta like I was "locked" into it, and I couldn't get out. But there was always a "clear" part of my mind that let me know where I was. It was sorta like being inside the maze in "Labryth". Which door would get me out? In this case, I thought sleep would. I was wrong. All my limbs suddenly felt like they were made of lead. I laid down on my bed, and suddenly felt like I was stuck in the sand, under the very deepest part of the ocean, with all that water on top of me. It was literally like the bed had to "catch" me when I laid down. I felt like, if it had not, I would've just kept falling.

I turned over on my side, and prayed for sleep at that point. I did not like this feeling at all...I WANTED IT OVER. I did go to sleep, and I had the most powerful dreams I've ever experienced. A couple times, I was up in the clouds. A couple times, I seemed to be floating in space. A couple times, it was like I was inside a tie dye T-shirt...colors everywhere!! They were gorgeous, but underneath all that...I seemed to be screaming: what the he'll is happening to me?? My mother's problems began when I woke up later that night. She later told me that she knew when I had to turn two lights on just to get down the hall...something was wrong. I came out of the bathroom and my mom was talking to me. It sounded like she said a million words, at the end of them, she asked me how I was doing. My mouth dropped, and I went... WHAT?? Like I had a mega phone. My mom said

"Yeah...okay honey.". She knew... and I KNEW she knew.

Now, mom knew exactly what was happening...and was not mad at me in the least. But, when you're high...paranoia sets in...big time!! I felt like a little child...afraid she was gonna get the belt on her backside. Now, understand, I already have issues with depth perception and things because of Cerebral Palsy...now, I was high as a kite on top of that! Mom stood in front of me and walked me down the hall and sat me down on the edge of my bed. Mom sat on the bed next to me (I don't know how many times I'd already asked her whether she was mad at me). She kept saying, "Honey, I'm absolutely positive...I'm not mad at you.". Next thing I knew, I had my head on her shoulder, and I was bawling like a baby. For me, it was like my entire moral core had been violated or something. In truth, it took a full 24 hours for that "high" to work it's way through my system. Mom slept with me in my bed that night...and I experienced things I had literally, up to that point, only seen on TV...

My sense of sound was magnified...big time. I heard a car door slam and it sounded like a gun went off. And yet, everything sounded "hallow," like I was far away from it somehow. I'd start talking and be aware that I was talking and what I was saying...but being unable to stop. I rambled on and on about...what a good person I was and why couldn't I find anybody?, and various fiascos I'd been through because of misunderstandings with people. I remember being so thirsty, I couldn't stand it. I felt like I was out in the desert without any water. Then I'd be so hungry I couldn't stand it... just starving! I remember thinking that if this is what a "trip" is like, then I needed for this one to be over. I started missing my normal, boring, mundane life, and wanting it back...NOW!! I remember making "deals" with God, that if He would just let me feel normal again, I would never do that again...not that I ever MEANT to do it the first time...but isn't that how it usually happens with people who smoke it too? I had not smoked a thing...yet here I was, experiencing what someone might go through if they DID smoke it.

So, I know from (accidental) experience now, that being high...is something I never want to be again (personally). This experience affects people in different ways. Some go through it and sorta get used to it, and have no problem with it. Some say it actually helps them relax; some say it helps them to function better (!!!). Okay. I won't argue with you. Some very ill people have gotten tremendous relief with it. I won't get into the whole MJ debate right now, but let's just say that I'm not here to judge anyone. But personally, I never want to feel (not) in control of myself like that again. By the way, I will never smoke it, because I've smelled other people smoke it, and it stinks! Ironically, it was this truth that made me believe that I would never feel the effects of it. Be very careful with "edibles". I would venture to say that if you have a condition which affects your sensory perception, depth perception, or balance, you may even think it better to stay away from them altogether. The thing is, it is difficult to know what amount will affect people in what way. And edibles are a tricky thing because they are REALLY good! That chocolate was some of the best I've ever had. Obviously, one should not eat them like you would normally eat sweets. Now, don't get me wrong...never before have I only eaten two squares of a candy bar. This was me using discretion because I knew this was not just a candy bar, but that (for me) was too much.

So I'm still a big believer in the benefits without the high...but the high itself? No thank you! If you've never been high before, and you wonder what it feels like, my advice would be find something to do to serve others and keep your mind clear. Believe me... That "high" is much more powerful, and you never have to lose control or wish you could get your life back!! Getting high does not make you an adult (at one point, my mom was rocking me like a baby) and it can make you very vulnerable in dangerous ways. It turns the volume way up on your senses and desires, and can cause you to do things that leave you unsafe. In my case, I was at home, with my understanding mom watching out for me; but I'd imagine many people have different experiences. If I had been on my own that night, with access to a vehicle, I don't like to think about what may have happened. There's a big chance that I may have not even made it out the door TO drive (I literally could barely stand up). But it really occurred to me that night, that this can be how terrible accidents can happen). I do not believe that people should be penalized for possessing it and things like that. But I also believe that for many, the best thing is to just stay away from it. Remember, I was not TRYING to get high, and why people would WANT to get high, I don't know, because in my case, it was scary and awful.