This is It... Is It?

Watch TV on any given evening, and people are constantly hooking up. This is the ultimate social status, and if people are not hooking up then they are desperately trying to remedy this. It's an endless rise and fall of agony extasy, and all seem to move on to someone else with little or no pain, without even batting an eye. The belief seems to be that if this emotional roller coaster ride does not take place, no long term partner will ever enter a person's life. But, with all due respect...I'd rather not.

How would it be to really get to know someone BEFORE you began to even date them? This, to me, seems like it could be a win/win situation, because even if the dating thing did not work out, there is a mutual respect for one another which goes beyond seeing someone by trial and error in order to determine whether this should be a "serious" relationship. Usually, this is the kind of situation that turns into serious heartache. Not always, of course...but for me...the risk is way too great, and the reward, not enough. I want more. My way of doing things would be to get to know who a person truly is... well enough to decide whether they are marriage material. When you know that they are marriage material...then date them. This way, the dating has a foundation holding it up, and it's confirmation of a love, respect and honor, that already exists, rather than a "slippery," trial and error process with the anticipation of love attached, but no guarantee that it works.

The problem is the belief that a person must "date" in order to meet somebody to begin with. I can't seem to only be friends with a nice guy and then watch that blossom into something else...which is what I want most. It's hard to keep all that anticipation at bay, and hard to stay away from the trap of dating purely for the sake of dating. Even online, this a real challenge because if you're on a dating website...well, you see where I'm going with this. I suppose this is proof that love always happens when we're not looking for it. If a person is dating, they are basically setting up a situation with the hope that love will be the end result. Sometimes, this works. But, for me, it has never seemed to work because I would end up canceling out my own efforts. In trying to ensure that I reached my "destination" of a serious relationship, I couldn't enjoy the "ride" getting there. This is because I would have to try so hard not to run into heartache. There would be fear that this would happen and it would leve me distrustful, and unable to enjoy very much. Aside from that...trying to anticipate what the other person was feeling left me a bundle of nerves.

Another difficult aspect of dating, for me, is physical touch. What's appropriate...what is not? What does HE think is appropriate and not? How would I know? It's not like we had a meeting to discuss this beforehand :). I'm an old fashioned girl. For me, sex is only to be within the confines of marriage, and I'm of the belief that too much physical touch can ignite a "fire" that can't be put out. (especially if you REALLY like the guy!). For us girls, this can be followed by morning sickness, and then nine months later, a screaming baby. (I was a counselor at a Pregnancy Care Center...it happens all the time). Besides that, I'm of the belief that if I've only just met a guy, I am not yet comfortable with him holding my hand or putting his head on my shoulder (yet). Can't blame guy for trying, but for me, this is the "we need to talk" (politely) stage, because we've only just met each other. What I usually see modeled for me is that "we need to talk" does not come until a heart is about to be crushed, because the hope of a relationship is ending. (Did it ever get started?). This is why I think it's better to wait until you know that a person is marriage material before you date them. This way, a mutual desire is built up for things like hand holding, kisses, that sorta thing... and both have had the chance to discuss limits, beliefs, convictions...all that sorta stuff. that one of my personal protections that I have put in place, is never allowing someone to touch me in what I consider an intimate way, simply because I figure it's what I should do because we're dating. Getting to know each other as friends takes the guess work out of it, because you've had time to find out how the other feels about these things.

Anyway, this is just more evidence, I think, of my "backwards" life. :). I hope someday, I'll find a guy to be backwards with, and we can do it together. :). Until then, I think I'll keep enjoying who I am and save myself a lot of compromising, confusion and mixed messages. No disrespect to anyone who dates...if it works for you...more power to ya! For me personally, it just opens up too many shades of grey that are too confusing for me. I'm waiting for something that works better.

Just Be Yourself...You Can Do It!!

So, Raj, on "The Big Bang Theory" has this really cute girl that he's into. She's adorable, but very afraid of spontaneous social situations (I can relate). She has a habit of "escaping" out windows while on dates. She's done this twice, that I remember. Anyway, Raj had wanted her to meet his friend's... all of them together. When she became overwhelmed, Raj suggests that she meet them one at a time. Now I won't say anymore, in case you have not seen it.

Anyway, anyone who watches BBT on a regular basis, knows that Raj won't (can't) even speak to girls unless he's had a little, or a lot of alcohol to loosen him up. Now, EVERYBODY, girls and guys, gets nervous when talking to someone who they don't know, and who is attractive. But it's my personal opinion that each character on BBT has autistic traits or characteristics. I've since heard this opinion expressed by others; but ironically, interviews with Jim Parsons who plays Sheldon reveal that supposedly, the writers of this show had no intention of making these characters autistic... (Ha ha... yeah right!) :). So, Raj, with all his cuteness and sensitivity and social awkwardness, uses alcohol to loosen him up in situations involving attractive women.

This gave me a scary thought last night. What if, this is how many people become alcoholics...but it's just never talked about? I've actually been thinking about that all night. Now, I only began learning about Autism in the last year and a half. Researching it became an obsession of mine...because I suspect that I HAVE it! Every once in a while, I will drink alcohol...but I have to be VERY careful with it. I have NEVER been drunk or hug over, and I never intend to be. But even a small amount of alcohol does affect me. I become warm very quickly and, my muscles become super relaxed. My ability to balance (which is already impaired because of CP) becomes affected. And very soon after, I fall asleep! This is why, I RARELY drink, and when I do, it's very little. But, in all honesty, it would probably do me better to just give it up entirely. Now, those with autism have sensory issues. alcohol (as I just described) affects a persons senses. Considering that most people with Autism do things in excess... See where I'm going with this?

I grew up in an alcoholic home. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and my step dad was an alcoholic. In both situations, the excessive alcohol would cause changes in mood and temperament. Most of these were not good. I personally don't NEED any alcohol to cause changes in my mood and temperament. It's just a fact. I'm a sweet girl... anyone who knows me will tell you. Wonderful, passionate, person. I secretly wish that I could just be nice and pleasant all the time... still working to obtain this, but I know that this will never happen... haha! :). My high level of sensitivity can cause me to be very insensitive as well. I get overwhelmed easily, and scared that secretly, everybody around me will "discover" that I am not "with it," or I have no idea what I'm talking about. Gee, isn't that more of a guy thing? (I've read). But I've also read that studies have been done that "conclude" that women with AS tend to have more "male" brains. Great. So, is this the REAL reason guys can't seem to "pursue" me? I've always wondered.

Anyway, do I blame Raj for needing a little alcohol before he can approach women? No... of course not. Amen to our guys! Autistic or not, they have a difficult job. Besides, Raj is just a TV character. But what happens to a person when they "need" this too many times? What happens when they start "needing" it more and more because the amount that they began with isn't enough? (Your system builds up tolerance to it..absolutely!). So, for someone who is autistic, how is all this magnified or made worse? Well, I know people generally drink it because it relaxes them. But I've seen enough evidence to know, that it just makes some people really stupid...seriously. My own dad, is one of the sweetest, most sensitive people I know. But for years, I did not KNOW that, because his extremely sensitive, passionate self was covered by a "wall" of alcohol. Alcohol, and all the mood changes it brought. (Either that, or he would get wasted and pass out.)

Now, I'm not saying this to make my dad look bad. My father has said to me many times that he has not been the best dad to me, and he's apologized for that. He's sober now, and our relationship is actually better than it was when I was a kid. Dad's honesty alone, has made him my hero...but I have a feeling he would not believe me if I told him that. :). My step-dad...he could be another blog entry altogether! But, long story (kinda) short... I am now wondering if both my dad and my step-dad are/were autistic. I seriously wonder whether we never knew it because our families never knew anything about Autism, and we learned to blame all the dysfunction on the alcohol abuse (???). In program we are taught that the drinking is only a symptom of a deeper turmoil going on inside. So many mistakenly believe that when an alcoholic quits drinking, the problems will stop. Nope. Now you've gotta deal with what started the drinking to begin with.

As you might imagine, I've spent a lot of time trying to "figure out" how these things happen in the first place. One of my biggest fears is marrying a man who really is the greatest man alive, but feels that he can't function without alcohol. I have no statistic on how much MORE vulnerable an Autistic person might be to abusing alcohol, (because lets say Raj is Autistic) but I encourage everyone to make it their goal to just be themselves. Besides, alcohol is expensive...and very bitter! I wrote in another blog entry that I know alcohol is an acquired taste, but I don't get how anyone can acquire a taste for that! Keep your breath sweet...seriously. You have a much better chance of getting kisses and hugs. If your moral code tells you not to touch alcohol, then don't. My feeling is, you'll be much better off. It's better to stay in control, and know that you're wonderful and fascinating all by yourself. :)

On the Bottom of the Ocean.

I have never smoked anything. Not cigarettes or anything else. I was in my early twenties before I drank alcohol for the first time. If I recall correctly, it was a glass of champagne at a wedding...and I did not finish it because I didn't like it! I've often heard that alcohol is an acquired taste, but I didn't understand how anyone could acquire a taste for that!

I've always been known as a "good girl.". I followed the rules, and was very likable. I was the one who always got good citizenship awards in school. In junior high, I had a really rough time because so many of my friend's were doing things that I knew were wrong. I never snuck out of the house or tried to take my mom's car. I never lied and said I was somewhere when I was not. My conscience just would not let me do those things. Besides, from the time I was six years old, I had seen Bill Cosby's skit called " Having A Good Time.". Hilarious, because he was only acting it out, but there's no way I would ever want to do that in real life! To this day, I never have.

Recently, however...I did get high. It was not intentional, and I did not smoke a thing...but I did get high. The short version is that someone I knew had a chocolate bar, which was a little more than a chocolate bar, and they shared some with me, and I ate too much of it. Now, I've used things with CBD in them before. I've done a lot of reading up on this... all the health benefits. I have a license, and I personally, have only purchased things with CBD. What can I say, it seems to keep me from getting sick and lessens my anxiety... No high. Good. I never wanted the high. I only wanted to feel better. There was no deception going on here, I knew what was in the chocolate bar. But I did not know that if the MJ is concentrated, it makes the the "effects" more powerful... And besides, I thought I would just sleep it off. Now, I have no serious illnesses, but I've heard story after story of people with very serious illnesses, feeling better and wanting to eat again and able to get off certain medications. I've heard stories of people who were not sick, just generally feeling better and able to function better... this is with the "high"... the concentrated MJ that goes right into your bloodstream...With all sorts of different things like brownies, gingerbread, cookies, chocolate bars...Yum! I admit, I looked forward to trying it! My sincere belief was that I would sleep better.

This...is not what happened. I had eaten two squares of the chocolate bar, which was equivalent to 2 servings...not the smartest thing...considering I'd NEVER had it before...But, you live and you learn... I sat in the living room with my family and watched TV for another hour...feeling completely normal. It was only right before we all said goodnight, that I began to feel... not right. I began to get a "warm" sensation all around me, and in my head, I began to (sort of, "separate" from what was going on in the room. I literally seemed to go off into space (In my head)... part of me still knowing that I was there in the living room, and we were saying goodnight, but I became aware that a much bigger part of me was losing control of my ability to to function normally. I had to "remind myself" to tell my mom goodnight. :). That did not come naturally to me. There was suddenly this SLOW voice inside my head...and I became aware that this was my brain trying to "tell" me how to function! I could barely get into bed that night because this bizarre sort of "haze" seemed to take over my whole body. It was sorta like I was "locked" into it, and I couldn't get out. But there was always a "clear" part of my mind that let me know where I was. It was sorta like being inside the maze in "Labryth". Which door would get me out? In this case, I thought sleep would. I was wrong. All my limbs suddenly felt like they were made of lead. I laid down on my bed, and suddenly felt like I was stuck in the sand, under the very deepest part of the ocean, with all that water on top of me. It was literally like the bed had to "catch" me when I laid down. I felt like, if it had not, I would've just kept falling.

I turned over on my side, and prayed for sleep at that point. I did not like this feeling at all...I WANTED IT OVER. I did go to sleep, and I had the most powerful dreams I've ever experienced. A couple times, I was up in the clouds. A couple times, I seemed to be floating in space. A couple times, it was like I was inside a tie dye T-shirt...colors everywhere!! They were gorgeous, but underneath all that...I seemed to be screaming: what the he'll is happening to me?? My mother's problems began when I woke up later that night. She later told me that she knew when I had to turn two lights on just to get down the hall...something was wrong. I came out of the bathroom and my mom was talking to me. It sounded like she said a million words, at the end of them, she asked me how I was doing. My mouth dropped, and I went... WHAT?? Like I had a mega phone. My mom said

"Yeah...okay honey.". She knew... and I KNEW she knew.

Now, mom knew exactly what was happening...and was not mad at me in the least. But, when you're high...paranoia sets in...big time!! I felt like a little child...afraid she was gonna get the belt on her backside. Now, understand, I already have issues with depth perception and things because of Cerebral Palsy...now, I was high as a kite on top of that! Mom stood in front of me and walked me down the hall and sat me down on the edge of my bed. Mom sat on the bed next to me (I don't know how many times I'd already asked her whether she was mad at me). She kept saying, "Honey, I'm absolutely positive...I'm not mad at you.". Next thing I knew, I had my head on her shoulder, and I was bawling like a baby. For me, it was like my entire moral core had been violated or something. In truth, it took a full 24 hours for that "high" to work it's way through my system. Mom slept with me in my bed that night...and I experienced things I had literally, up to that point, only seen on TV...

My sense of sound was magnified...big time. I heard a car door slam and it sounded like a gun went off. And yet, everything sounded "hallow," like I was far away from it somehow. I'd start talking and be aware that I was talking and what I was saying...but being unable to stop. I rambled on and on about...what a good person I was and why couldn't I find anybody?, and various fiascos I'd been through because of misunderstandings with people. I remember being so thirsty, I couldn't stand it. I felt like I was out in the desert without any water. Then I'd be so hungry I couldn't stand it... just starving! I remember thinking that if this is what a "trip" is like, then I needed for this one to be over. I started missing my normal, boring, mundane life, and wanting it back...NOW!! I remember making "deals" with God, that if He would just let me feel normal again, I would never do that again...not that I ever MEANT to do it the first time...but isn't that how it usually happens with people who smoke it too? I had not smoked a thing...yet here I was, experiencing what someone might go through if they DID smoke it.

So, I know from (accidental) experience now, that being high...is something I never want to be again (personally). This experience affects people in different ways. Some go through it and sorta get used to it, and have no problem with it. Some say it actually helps them relax; some say it helps them to function better (!!!). Okay. I won't argue with you. Some very ill people have gotten tremendous relief with it. I won't get into the whole MJ debate right now, but let's just say that I'm not here to judge anyone. But personally, I never want to feel (not) in control of myself like that again. By the way, I will never smoke it, because I've smelled other people smoke it, and it stinks! Ironically, it was this truth that made me believe that I would never feel the effects of it. Be very careful with "edibles". I would venture to say that if you have a condition which affects your sensory perception, depth perception, or balance, you may even think it better to stay away from them altogether. The thing is, it is difficult to know what amount will affect people in what way. And edibles are a tricky thing because they are REALLY good! That chocolate was some of the best I've ever had. Obviously, one should not eat them like you would normally eat sweets. Now, don't get me wrong...never before have I only eaten two squares of a candy bar. This was me using discretion because I knew this was not just a candy bar, but that (for me) was too much.

So I'm still a big believer in the benefits without the high...but the high itself? No thank you! If you've never been high before, and you wonder what it feels like, my advice would be find something to do to serve others and keep your mind clear. Believe me... That "high" is much more powerful, and you never have to lose control or wish you could get your life back!! Getting high does not make you an adult (at one point, my mom was rocking me like a baby) and it can make you very vulnerable in dangerous ways. It turns the volume way up on your senses and desires, and can cause you to do things that leave you unsafe. In my case, I was at home, with my understanding mom watching out for me; but I'd imagine many people have different experiences. If I had been on my own that night, with access to a vehicle, I don't like to think about what may have happened. There's a big chance that I may have not even made it out the door TO drive (I literally could barely stand up). But it really occurred to me that night, that this can be how terrible accidents can happen). I do not believe that people should be penalized for possessing it and things like that. But I also believe that for many, the best thing is to just stay away from it. Remember, I was not TRYING to get high, and why people would WANT to get high, I don't know, because in my case, it was scary and awful.

Autism in Love...

I've heard it sad that the word "autism" means one or self. But like everyone, Autistics desire to be in love and have relationships. Independent film makers Matt Fuller and Carolina Groppa are working on a documentary film called "Autism in Love.". This movie follows real stories of real people on the spectrum, and their experiences being in a relationship, or desiring to find the right person. They need our help however, if this amazing project is to be completed. Please take a minute to view the sizzle reel, and donate if you can. Thanks!

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/autisminlove/autism-in-love-0

Go to Autism in Love on Facebook and Twitter

Extra Super Nice :)

Just saw a post that said "Peace and Goodwill... And I mean, be willingly good...extra nice.". Okay, this isn't exact, but it reminds me of a video I found yesterday about choosing to be extra nice to people. I love this idea. I think sometimes it can be a bit of a challenge to do this if someone feels pretty lousy and simply needs someone to be extra nice to them.

An interesting paradox I think. If a person has been sick or in pain for example. Sometimes our symptoms of a challenging life can consume us, and cause us to be... A pain. At least, I find this is true for me. Sometimes I have days where I feel I should apologize to people and say " I'm not always like this... Really." :). Anyway. Sometimes we need to be extra super nice, extra super grateful even though the other person/people involved may not be able to return it. Then there are times when we get to be extra super nice and make someone's day... and they are extra super nice for us too! :). It's cool because even when we're having a bad day, we can treat someone else well and hopefully feel better! :). Nice! :)

His Family is Hurting Too

I've seen some posts today that have to do with what shooter Adam Lanza's mother should and should not have done. They say she took him target shooting and should've known better. She kept loaded weapons in the house, and (apparently) should've known better because her son was mentally ill. They say that she should have sought treatment for him, and (apparently) did not. This to me is heartbreaking because parents are human beings just like anyone else. They cannot be with their kids all the time, and must learn to trust them.

Why can't we just give this mother (who's now lost her life) the benefit of the doubt and say that she didn't know? Suppose she was just trying to to provide her son a place to live and be there to try and support him? It is quite possible that she had no idea the extent to which her son needed help, and very literally, did not know what hit her just a few days ago. In my opinion, this poor woman was only trying to protect herself and her family. Her guns (if I'm correct) were all registered and legally purchased. It seems to me that teaching her son to shoot them only proved that she was attempting to use them properly. She wanted him to know how protect himself. How could she possibly have known he'd use one on her? Goodness! Tragic. Simply tragic all the way around. It can be very difficult to tell (especially when someone is particularly reserved) whether there are certain issues going on below the surface. In the case of Lanza...there obviously were (we know now).

The anguish and anger and grief are overwhelming. Twenty six innocent people are dead, and we the public are needing to know "Why" because our hearts are bleeding for these families. For the Lanza family, they must now, in the face of their own grief, deal with the stigma and labeling by the public, because of all that could've possibly gone on in the mind of the shooter. The next question can tend to center on why his parents never got him any help when he was a child. What if they simply did not know?

For the Lanza family, not only are they grieving right along with everyone, their grief and shock are most likely severely multiplied because they are related to the shooter and to his parents. I would imagine it pretty likely that many of them are pleading with themselves, wondering whether there's anything they could've possibly done. I think that we must remember as we grieve along with the parents who've lost children, that this must be a terrible weight for the Lanza family to carry.

It grieves my heart to think that some in their anger and pain, would proclaim them guilty by association, and treat them with scorn, comparing Adam's mother to a mother who (does the RIGHT thing) and seeks help for HER son. How many individuals are simply quiet and withdrawn because of normal, human awkwardness? This is not a crime, and should not be treated as such. We cannot allow ourselves to treat everyone with cruel suspicion simply because they do not fit a mold of what we believe to be normal. Pray for the Lanza family, and all of those tragically affected by the Newtown shooting. They are human, and they are hurting too.

The Wrong People Won't Control themselves... So We Need Guns.

The tragic events of the school shooting in Connecticut now have many people expressing their views about gun control. Many seem to believe that gun control would've prevented what happened today... If only we would implement it. Everyone's thoughts and prayers go out to the families affected by this tremendous, tragic loss. Let's face it... This whole thing is extremely emotional for all of us. It's been a very dramatic day indeed. Twenty little lives have been lost. Twenty innocent people who had nothing to do with the wrath of the shooter have had their lives taken away. Of course, this isn't even counting the six adults also killed at the school, the gunman, and the gunman's father who was found dead in his home.

I understand why so many are fighting for gun CONTROL. We just want our children to be safe. The thing is, those who are criminals don't become criminals because they have abided by the law; criminals become criminals because they have broken the law. Criminals don't worry about obtaining guns legally because they will get them illegally. They BREAK the law, that's what makes them criminals, correct? They know how to jump through the hoops and do things that the law says they should not do, right? Now, say we do implement gun control... Does this mean that all guns will just disappear off the planet? No, of course not. Kinda like vinyl albums: nobody plays em anymore... But they are all over the place, and only those who have a knowledge and appreciation for them will bother looking for them.

Some people use their intelligence to do good, and some people use it to hurt others, right? So, what happens if gun control is implemented and the average Joe, law abiding citizen out there can no longer protect themselves because gun control no longer allows us to have guns? The criminals out there who know how to obtain guns ANYWAY are then going to have the upper hand! I mean, do we think that people who kill innocent children are suddenly going to become respectable because we implement gun control? It seems to me that DEFYING this authority would be a badge that any criminal would wear with pride!

My point is that criminals who know how to obtain guns the wrong way, will get them... No matter what. So, we need to be allowed to protect ourselves. Criminals know how to get a hold of guns in ways that the average citizen does not. Therefore, it seems to me, that if the average citizen is made to give up their guns in the name of gun control, criminals who know how to obtain guns in ways that most of us can't, will still be able to "jump through the hoops" to get their guns... and what do the rest of us do? What do we do if all we are trying to do is "abide" by a restriction placed on us, because we are trying to "control" those with the wrong intentions?

We who are responsible with our guns have no incorrect intentions with them... but those who murder don't give a rat's behind about that! In fact, gun control will make it much easier for them, because now, they STILL have their weapons, and we don't! I believe, we must be allowed to protect ourselves! We have the right to protect ourselves and no amount of restriction we try to place on anybody with wrong intentions, will ever prevent ALL bad things. This is terribly sad, but it's reality.

We CANNOT live in fear and let people with sick intentions (like what happened today) win! My deepest sympathies and prayers are extended to all who have suffered loss today. Heaven has some little angels tonight, and we will never forget them. Emotions are running high, and everyone seems to be scrambling to figure out what to do. My opinion is that, all of society should not have to suffer the consequences of one depraved individual. With respect, gun control is not the answer.