Extra Super Nice :)

Just saw a post that said "Peace and Goodwill... And I mean, be willingly good...extra nice.". Okay, this isn't exact, but it reminds me of a video I found yesterday about choosing to be extra nice to people. I love this idea. I think sometimes it can be a bit of a challenge to do this if someone feels pretty lousy and simply needs someone to be extra nice to them.

An interesting paradox I think. If a person has been sick or in pain for example. Sometimes our symptoms of a challenging life can consume us, and cause us to be... A pain. At least, I find this is true for me. Sometimes I have days where I feel I should apologize to people and say " I'm not always like this... Really." :). Anyway. Sometimes we need to be extra super nice, extra super grateful even though the other person/people involved may not be able to return it. Then there are times when we get to be extra super nice and make someone's day... and they are extra super nice for us too! :). It's cool because even when we're having a bad day, we can treat someone else well and hopefully feel better! :). Nice! :)

His Family is Hurting Too

I've seen some posts today that have to do with what shooter Adam Lanza's mother should and should not have done. They say she took him target shooting and should've known better. She kept loaded weapons in the house, and (apparently) should've known better because her son was mentally ill. They say that she should have sought treatment for him, and (apparently) did not. This to me is heartbreaking because parents are human beings just like anyone else. They cannot be with their kids all the time, and must learn to trust them.

Why can't we just give this mother (who's now lost her life) the benefit of the doubt and say that she didn't know? Suppose she was just trying to to provide her son a place to live and be there to try and support him? It is quite possible that she had no idea the extent to which her son needed help, and very literally, did not know what hit her just a few days ago. In my opinion, this poor woman was only trying to protect herself and her family. Her guns (if I'm correct) were all registered and legally purchased. It seems to me that teaching her son to shoot them only proved that she was attempting to use them properly. She wanted him to know how protect himself. How could she possibly have known he'd use one on her? Goodness! Tragic. Simply tragic all the way around. It can be very difficult to tell (especially when someone is particularly reserved) whether there are certain issues going on below the surface. In the case of Lanza...there obviously were (we know now).

The anguish and anger and grief are overwhelming. Twenty six innocent people are dead, and we the public are needing to know "Why" because our hearts are bleeding for these families. For the Lanza family, they must now, in the face of their own grief, deal with the stigma and labeling by the public, because of all that could've possibly gone on in the mind of the shooter. The next question can tend to center on why his parents never got him any help when he was a child. What if they simply did not know?

For the Lanza family, not only are they grieving right along with everyone, their grief and shock are most likely severely multiplied because they are related to the shooter and to his parents. I would imagine it pretty likely that many of them are pleading with themselves, wondering whether there's anything they could've possibly done. I think that we must remember as we grieve along with the parents who've lost children, that this must be a terrible weight for the Lanza family to carry.

It grieves my heart to think that some in their anger and pain, would proclaim them guilty by association, and treat them with scorn, comparing Adam's mother to a mother who (does the RIGHT thing) and seeks help for HER son. How many individuals are simply quiet and withdrawn because of normal, human awkwardness? This is not a crime, and should not be treated as such. We cannot allow ourselves to treat everyone with cruel suspicion simply because they do not fit a mold of what we believe to be normal. Pray for the Lanza family, and all of those tragically affected by the Newtown shooting. They are human, and they are hurting too.

The Wrong People Won't Control themselves... So We Need Guns.

The tragic events of the school shooting in Connecticut now have many people expressing their views about gun control. Many seem to believe that gun control would've prevented what happened today... If only we would implement it. Everyone's thoughts and prayers go out to the families affected by this tremendous, tragic loss. Let's face it... This whole thing is extremely emotional for all of us. It's been a very dramatic day indeed. Twenty little lives have been lost. Twenty innocent people who had nothing to do with the wrath of the shooter have had their lives taken away. Of course, this isn't even counting the six adults also killed at the school, the gunman, and the gunman's father who was found dead in his home.

I understand why so many are fighting for gun CONTROL. We just want our children to be safe. The thing is, those who are criminals don't become criminals because they have abided by the law; criminals become criminals because they have broken the law. Criminals don't worry about obtaining guns legally because they will get them illegally. They BREAK the law, that's what makes them criminals, correct? They know how to jump through the hoops and do things that the law says they should not do, right? Now, say we do implement gun control... Does this mean that all guns will just disappear off the planet? No, of course not. Kinda like vinyl albums: nobody plays em anymore... But they are all over the place, and only those who have a knowledge and appreciation for them will bother looking for them.

Some people use their intelligence to do good, and some people use it to hurt others, right? So, what happens if gun control is implemented and the average Joe, law abiding citizen out there can no longer protect themselves because gun control no longer allows us to have guns? The criminals out there who know how to obtain guns ANYWAY are then going to have the upper hand! I mean, do we think that people who kill innocent children are suddenly going to become respectable because we implement gun control? It seems to me that DEFYING this authority would be a badge that any criminal would wear with pride!

My point is that criminals who know how to obtain guns the wrong way, will get them... No matter what. So, we need to be allowed to protect ourselves. Criminals know how to get a hold of guns in ways that the average citizen does not. Therefore, it seems to me, that if the average citizen is made to give up their guns in the name of gun control, criminals who know how to obtain guns in ways that most of us can't, will still be able to "jump through the hoops" to get their guns... and what do the rest of us do? What do we do if all we are trying to do is "abide" by a restriction placed on us, because we are trying to "control" those with the wrong intentions?

We who are responsible with our guns have no incorrect intentions with them... but those who murder don't give a rat's behind about that! In fact, gun control will make it much easier for them, because now, they STILL have their weapons, and we don't! I believe, we must be allowed to protect ourselves! We have the right to protect ourselves and no amount of restriction we try to place on anybody with wrong intentions, will ever prevent ALL bad things. This is terribly sad, but it's reality.

We CANNOT live in fear and let people with sick intentions (like what happened today) win! My deepest sympathies and prayers are extended to all who have suffered loss today. Heaven has some little angels tonight, and we will never forget them. Emotions are running high, and everyone seems to be scrambling to figure out what to do. My opinion is that, all of society should not have to suffer the consequences of one depraved individual. With respect, gun control is not the answer.

Love Letters

I always thought it would be so romantic to fall in love with somebody through their letters. Well, let's say letters and photographs to be fair. I'd want to get a look at their face, wouldn't you? Anyway, what if you could fall in love with somebody, through the things that they write about on any given day? Sorta like "In the Good Old Summertime.". Now, I'm not sure how those two came to start writing the letters to each other, but they actually knew each other in everyday situations... They just didn't know that they had met each other face to face. In real life, they annoyed each other like crazy. In the letters, though, they wrote each other poetry and talked about the whether, and all that they enjoyed. They "romanced" each other. And it wasn't fake. The two were discussing interests sincerely, being a lady and a gentleman, still guarded, but with just enough distance between them, that they could open up a bit. In actuality they worked together!

Anyway...I wouldn't have to have all that. I'm thinking more along the lines of two people who just began conversing, say, online, so that we're in the 21st century, and things just sorta picked up from there. Is it possible? Say they knew each others names and what they looked like, they just had never set eyes on each other face to face? Oh, and one last thing...I'm not talking about a social dating site either. No eHarmony, no, Christian Mingle. On that subject, I've experienced both. These experiences were not wasted ones; but what I've found is that it feels weird when you know you're on a site with all these other people "looking" for the same thing... and then it becomes like a hit or miss kinda deal where you're not really sure where this is going to lead to, you just have to wait and see. Okay, great, but if I'm going to do that, why don't I just randomly date, like most people... and get all sorts of butterflies in the stomach, thinking about what to wear, how to do my hair, where is he taking me? What if I'm not ready on time? Checking my mirror a hundred times wondering if there is something in my teeth...

With all due respect, I'd rather just curl up on my couch with a blanket and some take out, and a fire in the fireplace. I'll watch a long movie; it might even be "Titanic"... who knows? Anyway, this seems much more worth my while, since I'm guarantee'd to like myself, you know? Anyhow, in "The Good Old Summertime" when they were writing to each other, there was no "forum" that they had joined. No competition. They didn't put each other on the spot. They were not trying to "get" each other. They were just being themselves. Yes, they were behaving "better" than usual in the letters...but that was because they had not met each other before. They were being very cordial to each other...and elegant. I love it! They were respectful of each other (in the letters). I believe the word is "chivalry.". My problem is, the idea of actually "dating" makes me so nervous, I can't think straight. It isn't that I couldn't go on a date...I just have a terrible time doing anything where I feel as though I'm putting on an act for someone... however wonderfully I may pull it off. If someone dates and it works for them...then more power to them. For me, there's the issue of simply not meeting that many guys in the first place. I had a bad experience with a singles group once, so I'd rather not go there... But anyway.

It's much easier for me to meet people online...but I'm no fool. One has to guard themselves. We have to be careful...very. People can pretend to be anyone they want to because of the buffer of a computer screen. And sometimes, those who are not pretending to be someone else are just using the computer to be honestly cruel. I have a feeling that in "Good Old Summertime," Judy Garland and Van Johnson didn't need to have a set of rules to protect themselves from improper strokes of the pen :). But anyway. So, it's very indirect isn't it? On Facebook, for example, people seem to live to say a whole lot of "nothing" but the irony is that this may be the best way to get to know people in their everyday lives. But then you have people who don't guard themselves at all, and have no manners and have no tact. I mean, people on Facebook think it's a thrill just to add another friend, just because... why not? It's "fluff," you know? Sometimes it's shards of glass being thrown at people in the form of bullying and insults. The wrong kind of people begin fights... and well, who wants to waste their intelligence on that?

But many people, really do just want to be as honestly expressive as they can, while just encouraging someone else. They have what I call a "ministry," even if they aren't spiritual. Their Facebook posts, tweets, YouTube videos, blog posts, and anything else they have online serves a very definite purpose. They are considerate of others and use proper "nettiquette" as far as they are aware. Anyway, a lot of times, we are not guarded in everyday life, the way we are when we are on the information super highway. It can be easy to think that if you are talking to someone face to face, then you are getting to know the real them. Not necessarily. Then, sometimes it's the opposite. Sometimes we're very guarded face to face, but not guarded at all online ( maybe because we think no one can hurt us there.)

Who was it I heard just recently talking about the lost art of letter writing? Choosing a special pen, decorating the envelope, putting your perfume in a letter to your love, putting the kisses on the back, putting a drawing in it or a bookmark. Well, who does that anymore? Maybe, what I really need is a PO box! Gee how much does that cost? So, what if there's distance between people? Say, you're not right around the corner and you can't just see each other whenever? The online thing, it would seem, could be good, but since it's so difficult (apparently) to tell whether someone is being sincere, I suppose most people might not try that.

But then again... Some things never change, do they? I mean, there's the whole grey area of "Do they like me, do they not like me? Will they be angry if I say anything? ( Especially if a girl likes a guy). Is this appropriate? Will they be scared away if I say anything?" I mean, that happens when people know each other face to face, doesn't it? Can a person show someone their substance and character through computer keys? Well, I think so...but maybe that's just me. Anyway, there's still more to this story...

You see, it's happened to me. There's someone that I got to know of through You Tube videos. I've never met this person face to face. But if everything he says in his videos is true (and my better judgement tells me he's sincere) then he has a character I'd like to know better. We're not just around the corner... But it wouldn't be impossible. He's even said (in passing) that he'd like a hint... a clue, if and when a girl really liked him. I understand! But is that okay with you? (I'd like to ask). Is that okay? Would he mind? I don't know if I should. I was taught to be a lady, and step out of a guy's way. Would he respect me if I said so? A guy can do that himself, ya know? Good grief, I'm speaking in RHYME! I'm a little older; when he was born, I was in fourth grade. :). Anyway, he may be turned off by a Christian faith. If so then it wouldn't work anyway. I'm the same as anyone, I don't want to be rejected either. If I gave him any hint of clinging...HOW COULD I DO THAT?? I know he'd hate it, of course! Any man with conviction would! That's a good sign. So how could I do that? I can't! (I know). Step back, step back! :). But why would he do anything about me when he has no idea? How can I leave something to him he may or MAY NOT know about? Is that even fair? And I mean this with respect, so you know. :)

In the movie, Van Johnson knows, and he keeps it to himself, so Judy Garland just thinks he keeps standing her up. They keep making plans to meet and he doesn't show. The thing is... He comes! He watches her trough the window each time, and she doesn't even know. I can't make any videos, I simply don't have the camera. I'd love to get letters from this guy... But of course, I'm no fool. That crosses a line of personal information. (and, who does that anymore?) Emails would be great. To message him, would be pursuing... Would it not? Or would it? I don't know, see? But to you, who I'm so glad I could "encourage", I feel very encouraged when I watch your videos about a whole "spectrum" of things. If you need another hint that a girl is into you ... Yes! Anyway, I'd love it if he'd message me, but I don't dare ask! Would I be better off if I did (ask about these things)? What if he doesn't even have a clue he makes me smile on the inside? :). Would he ever read this? I don't know. Maybe he'd rather I just said so, and was direct. Look I don't wanna step on any toes. You chase someone, and they'll run, you know?

Anyway, I don't think Van and Judy's feelings got in the way, because they already knew. Well, they knew on paper...and when they knew each other face to face... They had their letters to remind them of affection that flowed from their pens...and all the angst was forgiven. Ahhhh, if life were only like this! :)

Still

We all need people. And we all have the opportunity to learn from others. I think it's a wonder that so much of life in our culture seems to consist of breaking away from those who can teach us the most. I think sometimes God gives us others around us in our lives so that we can learn to become secure leaning on them through the tough times and learning to be vulnerable. I don't know about anybody else, but I've always been petrified of weakness and failure. I don't want anyone to ever reject me because they have seen that I am not "with it.". There should be nothing demeaning or embarrassing about serving others. But let's face it... Our culture doesn't look on this very favorably much, right? If someone lives at home longer than expected to help their parents out, they're seen as lazy and having no life. If Someone stays home in the evening or on the weekends instead of going out, they are looked at as boring or unwilling to try new things. If someone is single, it is automatically assumed that they are unhappy because they are not in a relationship. If someone ends up in the hospital or simply needs to stay in bed because they're sick, they tend to become guilt ridden because of all the people they feel they are letting down.

I feel that it is a skill to learn to take life more slowly and let others take care of us. The truth is, this is looked down on in every way in our culture. We don't like people who don't have any social or career status. If someone does not work outside the home, they are seen as lazy and unwilling to pull their own weight. How untrue this so often is! Maybe there's someone in your home who needs your company or attention. Maybe not having a nine to five job enables you to do things you could not if you were at work, like visit someone in the hospital, or help someone with a project, wash a sink full of dishes, or do a load of laundry. Perhaps the financial help we may be receiving from someone helps them feel useful, or independent. Maybe it's an endearing thing for them to be able to do something for us. Perhaps allowing someone to help us, or do a particular task for us, allows them to show us their love.

I feel that a huge longing that is suffocating many people, is not the need to be loved by others, but the desire to show others around us the love that's already in us. I think that's the real reason. People can crave relationships so much. It's not so much because they are requiring love from others. It's because they know they have great love already in them that they want to shower on someone, without reserve; and people are so longing to receive it. But we're made to feel that for so many hours each week, we must be completely in control, and unemotional. We must have everything all together, and be moved away from our parents, paying for our own home, vehicle and bills as soon as possible. We must be in and out of college with a prestigious job that matches our degree as soon as possible, and if a woman stays home and raises her children, she also is seen as having no life.

It was John Lennon who said that life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. Life is such a paradox, isn't it? We're told to be strong because this is the only way we can benefit others, but sometimes the strongest thing we can do is allow others to help us. Wow! Who Knew, right? There is strength in weakness! :). There can be great progress, I think, it the times when something seems to have come to a complete standstill. For instance, I have a few books that I had begun some time ago, on two different laptops. One laptop I had gotten to replace the other, because the jack on the back of the computer became stripped inside and would no longer hold the power cord. Five years, 3 viruses and 3 power cords later, the second laptop had the exact same issue. Now I have two computers, stuck in which, are pages and pages of things I've written over several years... with every intention of publishing them. Currently, it's been really difficult for me to even get the money together to have both PC's repaired. This has become a long, drawn out "disappointment, that I did not realize I'd run into. But I'm confident that at the right time, these will be fixed, and I'll be able to see my creative work again. Perhaps it just isn't time for me to publish those things yet. In any event...I'm learning to be patient... And that good things come to those who wait. Good grief... Had not even planned to post an entry tonight! But guess what? There it is. :). Yo never know... while you think nothing is going on, you can be having more of an impact then you know! Take care my friend! :)

Lovers

I think true lovers will love you for two things:

1. Who you are.
2. Who they want you to become.

Now don't misunderstand me; I DON'T mean that anyone should make themselves over to please someone else. That's not love; that's fear that says "I'm not worthy.". By the way, ladies, if he's the right kind of man, he will absolutely loathe that. But, I think, when the situation is healthy, with a solid foundation, one will follow the other. When someone takes you for who you really are, and loves you, good, bad and ugly, as the love grows, they will get to know who you can become and want to help you get there. When a person loves you for who you are, then they can have the pleasure of loving you for who you can become as well. Plain and simple... And so wonderful!

Love with everything you have.
But use your head to guard your heart <3<3

Check it Out...

By now, everyone knows that president Obama has been re-elected. A lot of speculation has been going on as to whether we can handle another four years with Obama as our commander and chief. I am scared...I have to say...truly. But I will not go into all the reasons I'm worried with my own words. I would not wish to give anyone a "says you" account of what I'm talking about. I'd rather provide sources dealing with the specific things that I have seen and read so that others can decide for themselves (In other words, you don't have to take my word for it.)

In most cases a simple Google or YouTube search is very beneficial. I like to use the Start Page search engine myself because that way, your search results are not 'searched through" and you can still maintain your anonymity. For each one of these that I will list there are likely many sources out there who want to "debunk" them, or tell you that these individuals are not being truthful. Do your homework and see for yourself.

Rev. Jeremiah Wright
Bill Ayers and his parents Tom and Mary Ayers
Jerome Corsi (Authour)
Arizona Sherrif Joe Arpaio
Andrew Breitbart
George Green (former investment banker). (nohoax.com)
Alex Jones
The fringe Radio Network (online)
Red Ice Radio Network (online)
Ron Paul
Jessie Ventura
Linda Moulton Howe. (earthfiles.com)
Coast to Coast AM with George Noory (Radio)
Kevin Trudeau (KT Radio network). I don't buy anything from him,
he does have a lot of interesting things to say though.
(online).
Rick Steves (and his position on medical marijuana). (Travel's Through Europe)
The Obama Deception (DVD)
Dr. Steven Greer. (The Disclosure Project)
Kerry Cassidy and "Project Camelot"
The Blaze Radio Network. On radio and online
Dr. Edgar Bergen (Author)
Whitley Streiber (Author).
Phil Schneider (Black Projects, Govmt.)
Bilderberg Group

Okay, now, many of these things have to do with Obama, and many of them have to do with other things that are... Well, much further "out there" as you'll see. It's. A LOT to digest and take in. Much of it is very very unbelievable for sure... but many are risking their lives to get the message out there.
Also check out "Unsealed: Conspiracy Files". This is a TV show that airs Saturday nights at midnight.

This info. Is not meant to frighten, but to inform. There's a lot going on out there, and it is my opinion that if you only watch the major news networks, or read the morning paper, you simply are only getting part of the story. It's scary out there, as we all know, I'm sure. But I think it's a lot heavier than most people realize. Pray, and stay close to those who can pray with you. Stay close to your friends and family. Read the book of Revelation (it explains a lot) and get involved in a Bible believing church. Just my opinions of course, but I'm not going to give out troubling information without offering some reassurance. If you can, keep a stash of cash in the house, and stock up on water ( again, just an opinion). Anyway, all of the above explains why I am truly concerned about where we are headed in light of last night's election. Much of this is quite shocking, yes...but pray for guidance. Cling to your faith and stand firm. Take care everybody.

What do I do Now? (A Not so Confident Christian)

I seem to be going through a crisis of faith right now. Suddenly, I feel like I was lied to all that time in church. Scripture says that God will never give us more than we can handle. Yet I feel stretched beyond my limit everyday. I's rather not get into specifics, I don't feel that everyone needs to know that. But suffice it to say, I feel stretched beyond my limit everyday, and wonder what God meant when he said he'll never give us more than we can handle. I can't say God lied, because he doesn't, but that's what I feel like telling him sometimes. Sometimes, things just hurt and there is nothing I can say to make them any better.

I know God takes us through things to strengthen us, I just can't help but wonder what I'm supposed to be learning this time, while he seems to be gutting me lie a fish. What is he trying to "reveal"? That I'm not as wonderful as I thought I was? (I know that, but it seems I need to be shown in a different way now.). I don't mind going through hard things for God, or with God...that's okay... That's all part of it. It's when I genuinely can't take any more, and he makes me suffer through something anyway that I have a really hard time with. It really isn't all about me is it? It's just that sometimes, that's not the point. I don't want things to be all about me. It's just that there are some times when the right should win in a situation and I know that God is the ONLY one who can make that happen and... Then He doesn't. And I'm left on the floor, a broken, bleeding, worn out mess who's supposed to be thankful now because God can use the pieces. (He can't use us till we're broken). I don't necessarily mind being broken so much. I mean, don't misunderstand me, I complain and throw a fit right through it... But then there's always that point that I see the light at the end of the tunnel... And the missing piece fits somehow.

But sometimes we are broken beyond repair and God it seems, still does not show up. I guess he doesn't need to "show up" because He's always with us... So then why are there so many pivotal moments in life when we need God to make an entrance and he doesn't? What are we supposed to do when we face the same "weakness" that Moses did, when all the magicians around him ALSO turned their rods into serpents? Why was it different with Moses? Because his God is the real one. Why should anybody believe that? I don't know... That's my point. No, actually, it's worse than that. I DO know! I DO get it.... That's why I'm a Christian in the first place. But what good is all my knowing and all my believing and all my praying and trusting and hoping, and banking everything in my life on him, if, when I need him the most, he doesn't show up?

Now, church always seems to have an answer for this, all cliche'd and neatly pakaged. They'll tell you that God will never leave you nor forsake you. I know God will never leave me. That's not the issue I struggle with. I struggle with believing that it's TIME now (maybe it's long past) for him to lift the burden, make an entrance, relieve the pressure, let the right win...DO SOMETHING!!!!! And he doesn't. And we, his followers are humiliated because now we look like fools for following him in the first place. I'm talking about the PAINFUL stuff... The stuff that makes you think "Surely God would understand that this is too much for me.". He does. He does understand! That's what's got me so damn angry right now! For whatever reason, he let's us go through it anyway, and then says that it's "Good" that we are learning to trust him more. WHAT? By the way, I'm a Christian! I've been a Christian for TWENTY years now.

I know God does not use a magic wand. He can't just go around changing people's wills at the drop of a hat so that people can get what they need. But I guess that's my whole point. Why not?? If he's the eternal Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End, if a person has the right motives...Why can't God intervene so a person gets what they need? Again, HE CAN! And he does! So why didn't he this time????? Why does God seem to suck all the air out of you, while giving you some sort of spiritual "blood letting" and then require of us that we trust him anyway? Why does he seem to deliberately give us every reason in the world NOT to trust him... And then require that we do. I'm sorry... That seems like punishment to me. Cruel and unusual punishment. Now, punishment is necessary sometimes, when you love somebody, but what happens when you're honestly shaking your head, going "God, what did I do?". Here's the good news: You probably did not do anything! But God has a plan, and sometimes we have to SUFFER through it (whether we like it or not).

I think this is what they OUGHT to teach in church. Because that's just the way it is. I wasn't taught this... Not growing up anyway. I was taught: Jesus, buddy, pal, friend, great big Teddy bear. I was NOT taught that Jesus will bail you out every time things get rough, and that there won't be any pain. This is not true in any case. But I was taught to believe that he loves me perfectly, and more than words can say. Okay. I believe it. Why does he deliberately make us do things the hard way so many times, while we are but "dust"? Why do we have to go through things, step after painful step, feeling like we can't take anymore, and then we're supposed to be so grateful because it's all due to God?

No, the things they teach kids in church ought to go something like this:

"Look, he is the only way, so draw near to Him. But you didn't get saved, God saved you. This is not a garden party or a social club. This is the Christian life and it's a blood sport. It's HARD. Your dreams and ideals will be broken and at times you won't be able to see the "better thing" everybody keeps TELLING you God has for you. There will be times when everything in you DOES NOT WANNA GO WHERE GOD IS TAKING YOU. Sometimes you will be mad at God and think...."I don't like your plan.". You'll think I'm not even sure I want you around because you're the one who's making my life so hard! (Get ready for it). At times, you'll sin against God because you won't be obedient to him. You'll do your own thing. At times you will honestly believe that God could not possibly know how you feel. You will THINK that you know that you cannot depend on other people. But you will depend on other people anyway (because they are like you). Then you will be genuinely hurt because God allowed that to happen in your life, at which point you will kick yourself for "depending on other people" in the first place.

God will take away what's precious to you (in some way shape or form) as a way of suffering with him (because he suffered for us). Get ready for it. In fact, any person or thing that you love more than you do him, God will do something to change that around in your life and you won't like it. Don't worry, supposedly, what he has is always better than what he takes away, but there will be times when you won't believe that. Sure, you'll be prepared for when people mock you and tease you for being a Christian. What you won't be prepared for is the day when you don't feel you have the upper hand anymore, because the bottom has fallen out in your own life. Then you'll think "God, this wasn't supposed to happen!". People around you will tell you that it's good that God is showing you who you really are. My friend, you'll find that there will be SO MUCH that you don't wanna see! So much that you don't even wanna look at! Soldiers at war get wounded in battle. Christians are soldier's for Christ... Get ready for it! The ultimate irony of your life will (sometimes) be that your only comfort in the storm comes from the very one whose CAUSING it.

Trust Him, yes. Just remember that there will be times when you sincerely feel like you can't. Get ready for it. I realize that at church youth group, with all the games and wonderful food, and rock music, it probably feels as though none of the above will ever touch you. Not true. I think the song "Held" by Natalie Grant is much more accurate, myself... But even then, you'll probably be snowed by KLove and the Christian DJ's and the pledge drives, and all the "Spirit West Coast" commercials. So just who am I anyway? I'm a Christian who's coming apart inside, and trying to remember that God STILL IS and there is hope. I just need to be reminded. A LOT. There will be times you will be angry with God...sometimes angrier than you ever thought you would be. When you're done throwing a fit , He'll be right there to pick you up, but you won't exactly rejoice, because all you want is for the pain to go away.

Eventually it will (though there are some that are always with you). God will keep us from harm, but that does not mean that we will never get hurt. This is something I was not aware of for a long time. I'm just saying, I didn't even know there was a difference for a long time. So, many things aren't over by morning, and Rome wasn't built in a day. Just sayin'

I don't know what to call this one :)

I find that I get angry easily. Energy tends to shoot through me like bullets whenever I'm nervous or excited. I'm learning to ease up a bit when my routine is disrupted. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I so wish I could be tested for AS or High Functioning Autism. A self diagnosis isn't the best thing, because what if I'm wrong? I want a piece of paper that says "Yes, you do suffer from this," or, "no, you don't.". I've read that women with AS tend to have more "masculine" brains than women who don't.

How does this help me when we live in a society that teaches women to behave like men anyway? I don't get it. I'm told that a man can't fall in love with another "man" who's dressed like a woman. But how many times have I heard (or read) some guy saying that he want's a girl who's independent and can take care of herself and has attitude? Don't get me wrong, I always thought that all of the above was great. But I was taught somewhere along the way that men are pretty turned off by these things.

I don't know... Seems to me like the wrong kinda girls have an easier time being with guys than the right ones. WHY IS THIS?? What's going on? I feel betrayed and hurt, and overlooked... But I can't let a guy see that, right? Cause then he'll be turned off and he won't want me right? What a rip off! I'm beginning to think the whole relationship thing is BS. Maybe I am just much better off on my own. It's crazy! Listen guys... If you want her, go get her! Tell her how you feel! Life is too short not to. Girls, just love yourselves and keep walking. If the right guy wants you to stop he'll let you know...I hope. Guys say, they get frustrated because girls don't let them lead. But then... They don't. I've had it happen to me where I've stepped back, to allow a guy to come into my space... And he didn't. He never came.

But the weird thing is that usually when a guy starts asking me questions and I can tell he's interested (or think he's interested), I get really freaked out, because I've had too many guys with the wrong intentions try and do that to me. There have been times when I've said to a guy that I was already involved with someone... And he kept pushing and trying to be with me anyway! Nope... Don't think so. I was not involved with anybody, but that's not the point. The fact that the guy hitting on me would not step back and respect my answer told me that he was not the right guy anyway. My dream would be to have a guy let me ask him questions about stuff and not get all turned off because now he thinks I'm leading him and he's upset because he thinks I'm not LETTING him call the shots.

I'm not talking about asking the guy on a date or asking him out. This is not appropriate. I know that. I would never ask a guy out or ask for his number or anything like that. This isn't right. But I feel like it's wrong to even start a conversation with a guy because of the way that I've felt when the wrong guy did that to me. I also know how guys have reacted to me when I've gently tried to do this. They freak out. I've also, waited (sometimes for ages) and not done anything, waiting to see what would happen. Answer: Not a damn thing. Now I've heard it all: Guys are scared, they don't know what to say, etc, etc. At this point, I have just one thing to say to that: Get over it! If you need a soft place to fall, fine, but to me... That's not the issue right now. With all due respect, you're the hunter, you're the conquerer, you're the protector... So get out there! I can't do it for ya, it's against the rules, right?

If I don't seem very soft, or "feminine" right now, it's because at the moment I'm mad as hell! I should know by now that the right does not always win... That's just life. It happens. But I just proved my point. Guys either scare a girl, or they step back and don't do a thing, and she thinks he's not interested in her... So nothing happens. I don't know...It seems to me that the best thing to do (as long as the guy already knows he likes the girl) is to just get into some conversation. Guys, if you're waiting around for her to step into your space... She may not know that. You need to show her that you have an interest in her. Don't PUT her in a position where she has to chase you (whether she likes it or not) because you won't approach her. You don't like that anyway, right? Girls, if you chase him (even if you're left with no other choice) all he's going to do is run. If you have to chase him, he's not the right guy anyway. He might be interested in you, but if he's too scared to show you that, this is not your fault. Too many women sorta lay on the ground and try to become everything that a guy wants so that he will be accepting of her. Girls...DON'T DO THIS!!! He's supposed to be rearranging HIS life for you... Not the other way around.

The absolutely crazy thing is that women actually desire this sorta thing. It's ridiculous! We desire a man to love us and protect us and keep us safe, right? You know what he desires? He want's HIS space... But apparently, he wants US too. So We're supposed to wait for him to invite us into their space... And then never actually get in his way. All he wants to know is that you can do everything yourself so that he doesn't actually have to do anything!!! Men are hedonistic and selfish. In their heart of hearts they really don't wanna give up anything for anyone. Apparently, I don't have the sorta magic that makes a man want me inspire of himself. For so long, I thought I did, but I see now, my optimism has gotten me nowhere. It's not my fault that guys are too wrapped up in themselves to notice how wonderful I am. If I don't believe that I have what the right guy wants, then he won't believe it either. But I'm finding that sometimes, even when you do what's right and you believe in yourself, guys are too involved in themselves to notice.

Ladies hold your head high, believe in yourself and know how to take care of yourself. The truth is, we don't need men, but if they're smart, they'll know that they need us. As for any lack of "humility" I may be demonstrating here, all I can say is that I'm trying to be as honest as possible here. I cannot expect a man to be trustworthy if I myself do not model the same thing. Ladies, love yourself enough to make him work for you. If he doesn't want to work hard enough to get you, he isn't the right one. Don't get hung up on him. The HARD part is this: HOW DO YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE VULNERABLE WITHOUT GETTING AT LEAST A LITTLE HUNG UP ON SOMEONE?? Here's the scary part: Most of the time, a guy will take the fact that you're hung up on him and run with it. He doesn't give a crap, that you are willing to commit to him and that you're waiting for him to commit to you because he knows he already has you wrapped around his little finger. He's getting all the "worship" he could want and having to do little or nothing for it. If you've heard that a guy won't respect you at that point... You're right.

So, I've answered my own dilemma, I think. We women really do possess the power of transformation! We have our own built in "super power"; and guys often have no idea how to handle it. Be a gentle friend, pray for him... And back up, so that (if he wants to) he can step in. Guys?...

Treat Yourself

I wanna say, love yourself with all the passion you can. Treat yourself well, and believe that others love you too. Let the rain hit your face, close your eyes and listen to Beethoven's ninth. Order your favorite food, and savor every bite. No worries about the calories or fat... Just eat, drink and be merry! Crawl into your bed and feel the sheets on your skin. Pull the covers up over your head and listen to your breath. Because you can!... Why not? Find a wonderful piece of art and say "Wow!"

Have some chocolate... Hold it in your mouth, let it melt.
Put on a warm coat, take a walk. Let the air blow in your ears and the frost hit your nose. Hot chocolate will be wonderful when you return!
(chocolate, again). Build a bookcase or a shelf on a Saturday afternoon. Think of your favorite color and paint your room (the bolder, the better!
Go on a hike or a nature walk.
Smell the flowers, look at rocks.

Eat your cereal right out of the box. It's fun!
Plant a garden and feed it well
Eat the veggies in your salad.
Write a letter to a friend the old way...pen and paper
Watch the vapor steam the shower door because you're in no hurry.
Let the water hit your back, and feel renewed.

Love yourself with all the passion you can.
Treat yourself well.
Find your favorite book and dive in
Take the day and read again, the story you adore.
Eat some cake batter or cookie dough, before they're in the oven to bake!
Play a game of chess, or whatever you like.
Ride a bike on a trail or path. Feed the ducks along the way!
Pay too much for something you want... Just this once!

I wanna say, love yourself, with all the passion you can.
Treat yourself well and believe that others love you too.

CES (C) 2012.

Just Suppose (My Thoughts on Ted Turner)

I did not see Ted Turner on Piers Morgan myself. But today I am very familiar with Mr. Turner's remarks about more people dying by suicide than are dying in combat in war. I along with everyone else have read the outrage all over Facebook and Twitter, that Mr. Turner (supposedly) believes that it's a "good" thing that more men are committing suicide, rather than being killed in combat.

I wanted to state my opinion about this unfortunate situation. Let me do that by giving this example: Back in the 60's, Beatle John Lennon was terribly ridiculed for making a statement that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus. Beatles fans everywhere began burning their Beatles records and the outrage became so bad that John Lennon had to give an explanation as well as a public apology (and this was before social media). Now the statement that Lennon made was not intended to be blasphemous. I believe his meaning was only that it was shocking that a rock group had seemed to get more attention (at that point) than Christ himself did. He was saying that it's amazing how big the Beatles had become! Was he wrong??

What does that have to do with Ted Turner? Well, obviously, the situation is not the same; but I think that the principle is. John Lennon was terribly misunderstood, and I believe Ted turner has been as well. It is my opinion that Mr. Turner's remarks have been taken out of context.

I believe that what Mr. Turner was saying refers not so much to suicide, as it does an attack of conscience. As I had said on Facebook this morning; men were not designed to kill each other (as mr. Turner said on the show.). But, in war, men are forced to do this, seeing unspeakable things that we would not want to imagine. After all of this, those men must live with the horror of what they had to do. Many men can't live with this reality. Their "conscience" becomes so wounded, that they take their own lives. This act, in itself, is not good (of course)... It's tragic. I'm sure Mr. Turner would agree. I don't believe he was trying to say that suicide is good...he was talking about the REALIZATION that ALL these men are dying (whether by suicide or combat). This is important because we are a culture systematically trained to believe that war and violent death are just normal, everyday occurrences. We glamorize it in our movies.... And hope that everything will be "normal" again when they come home, but not really able to comprehend that nothing (for them) will be normal (as they knew it) again.

What proof do we have of this with our glossy news stories of veterans coming home excited and jubilant (as well, they should be... But what's really going on inside), and movies that glorify the violence, and patriotic television shows that seem to take the stance that we ought to be so proud that so many men and women are putting their lives on the line for us. But what if any of us could ask any of our men who have committed suicide, "What has all this done to you?". What would THEY say about it? We can't ask because those men have ended their lives. This is PROOF that not EVERYBODY is completely unaware of what killing, or being killed in combat does to a person.

Some people are so torn up about it that they cannot live with themselves anymore... and they kill themselves. Now, the numbers are reversed... Men are still tragically dying... But maybe the fact that more of them are taking their lives OFF the battlefield is proof that this normalized, never-ending, desensitization of war needs to STOP!!! I think Ted Turner was trying to say all this suicide, means that people are recognizing that the genocide needs to stop. Was he wrong??

Note: I have since watched the interview myself on You Tube :)

My List of Halloween Movies (2012)

I am switching gears today. Of course, it's Halloween again. True, I still love to dress up and decorate and... give out candy. :). (trick or treating is fun too :). The picture of me on this blog is evidence of Halloween fun back in high school. Another thing I love to do Halloween night, is to get take out, and then pop popcorn (gotta have popcorn) and watch movies (candles lit, of course).

The thing is, most Halloween films are either made strictly for children, which makes it a bit harder for adults to truly enjoy them (although, I have no objections to "The Great Pumpkin"). Then there's the other end of the spectrum, where Halloween movies are so gory and nightmarish, and freaky, they are completely inappropriate for kids.

So, I've thought of some various films I've seen (most of them since I was a kid) that are as appropriate for adults and children, as I could think of. Most of these are not what might be thought of as a Halloween movie: but they all have themes of fantasy, magic, costumes and suspense, put together with some comedy and just enough of a chill... Well, you get the idea. These are in no particular order. Enjoy! :)

1. "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (1971) Rated G

Come on, a golden ticket, a lifetime supply of chocolate, and a freaky boat ride through a scary tunnel. All this, AND a chocolate river! What more could you want? For me, there is only one Willie Wonka (Gene Wilder). I Personally have never seen the remake with Johnny Depp. But if you have, and you enjoy it, take your pick! For me, the end scene between Wonka, Charlie and Grandpa Joe was always the scariest part! :)

2. "Young Sherlock Holmes" (1985) Rated PG 13

Not actually part of any of Doyle's tales, this is a just suppose sort of story about what could've happened between Holmes and Watson at their first meeting and their first mystery! It's set in the Victorian Era... But don't let that stop you from seeing it! No garden tea parties or parasols here! Instead, there's a murderer on the loose! That, and a mysterious figure in a black cloak. This film has fencing, and some excellent, nightmare like hallucinating going on! Don't worry, I didn't give anything away. This film also has the very first completely computer animated movie character. The hallucinating in this film most likely would scare the youngest viewers. I recommend it because the viewer can clearly see that what's going on is only in the mind of the character. This is an opportunity to teach children that (some of the scary things) on screen are in fact only imagination "See, it's not real"-- that type of thing. A few people are murdered in this movie, yes... But there is no blood, no guts, and nothing inappropriate or morbid going on. Just enough to set people on the edge of their seats... With a very appropriate ending! It has PG 13 rating because of the fear factor. The hallucinations and the deaths are quite dramatic.... But not bloody.

3. "The Ghost and Mister Chicken" (1966) Not Rated

Ha ha! A classic haunted house, and the wonderful, whimsical comedy of Don Knott's! You remember how family friendly "The Andy Griffith Show" was, right? Anyway, A murder has taken place... Years ago. The house still stands in the same neighborhood... And now Luther Heggs (Knotts) is gonna spend the murder anniversary night in the house. Poor Luther! He just needed a three inch item for a filler in the newspaper. He's just filling in time in the type-setting room...someday, he'll be a true reporter! A janitor working in the office says he thinks people would be interested in reading about the Simmon's Case again... And soon, Luther finds himself in way over his head! (Does the paranormal scare you?) (Ha ha :). A trap door, cobwebs, a secret passageway, a painting dripping with blood, and an organ in the attic with bloodstained keys... Who is playing it! All of this, but with a clean, family friendly, "everybody triumph's" angle. The innocence of the good guy overlooked and needing a break is the theme here... Not the paranormal. If ever you want to teach little ones that something is frightening, but only pretend; this is another great movie to do it with!

4. "The Nightmare Before Christmas" (1993). Rated PG

Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King is bored. Another Halloween... Another fright night to be planned out right? So what should he stage this year? He needs some inspiration, that's for sure! In his quest to find it, he stumbles on Christmas Town! Santa Claus?? Christmas trees?? What are these things? He's never seen them before! Jack resolves to bring Christmas Town to... A land of skeletons and ghouls and scary faces? Where Jack comes from, a Christmas tree burns up! Let's see, should he, put on a white beard? Why not? But Santa Claus, he is not, so now what should he do? There's plenty of spirits, where he is, but not of the "Christmas" kind! :). Here, skeleton's take off their own heads and limbs... Oohhhh, creepy! Could Christmas Town and this thing called Halloween co-exist? :). Well... :). Not the only only Tim Burtin film on my list, this holiday fantasy has a little something for everyone. The film is done in stop motion animation, and Jack Skellington is voiced by Chris Sarrandon.

5. "The Witches" (1990). Rated PG

With special effects done by the Jim Henson Creature Shop, this (fictional) film deals with real witches, who look like you and me on the outside... But underneath... Yikes!! Nine year old Luke has a very whimsical and entertaining grandmother. She has quite a few tales about witches; not the fantasy ones from fairy tales, but real life witches... And how much they hate children! (Uhhhh Oh!). Luke's grandmother also has her own "witch hunting" story. She claims that there is (somewhere out there) A Grand High Witch, to which all other witches report to to learn how to perfect their mischievous art. When Luke and his grandma move to England, they stay in a hotel where several witches have what is a huge meeting with the (One and only) Grand High Witch to be informed on the next phase of her plans (to exterminate as many children as possible). Don't worry... Again, no blood, no guts... Nothing morbid... Though there are however, many characters with some rather gory personalities! The good wins, and there is a victory ( YES!!!). Now there are several transformations in this film that would be frightening to especially young children. There are children who become....mice, and witches who start out like normal people, but then... Yikes! All, prosthetics, special effects, make up... And some real mice :). Some of the transformations involve children being in what looks like seizures as their form changes. Again, to me, a wonderful teaching tool; but parents use discretion.

6. "The Others" (2001). Rated PG 13

"Don't worry, the fog won't let her get very far."

I guess London Fog extends to the Isle of White as well... That's where this story takes place. Personally, I think this movie is best for those ages 12 and up. This movie is quiet, and dark, and the subject matter is not designed to appeal specifically to children. The fear in this movie comes from the psychological scare these characters get, as they figure out what's going on. There are however, two (later three) young children who play a big part in the story. Some children probably would find this entertaining! The film is certainly isolating. A period piece (WW2), but deceptively ordinary: A mother living in a large, stately mansion with her two children needs some... Domestic help...some housekeeping. Three strangers show up at the door one day. Ah yes! They've answered her ad, right? Well, not quite. Lydia, the youngest of the three, does not talk. She stopped suddenly... But what happened to her? The lady of the house (Nicole Kidman) always carries a set of keys in her hand. She closes and locks every door behind her as she leaves the room... And must unlock each one again when entering. She's not OCD. Her children have a rare skin condition that causes them to break out in sores and blisters if they are exposed even to ordinary daylight. But lately, the doors have been opened and closed and unlocked without this vigilant mother knowing about it. The curtains have been left open, letting sunlight in. Mysterious piano playing goes on. But the hired help is only doing their assigned work. What's going on? Paranoia sets in when the mother begins hearing strange voices and noises up in the attic. Haunted house right? Well, see for yourself. This film has no language, blood, guts or gore, but is truly psychologically frightening. Parents take heart because though the film is not made for young children, there is nothing inappropriate that kids can't see. There is one seen with the daughter, Anne, where this little girl takes on the face of an old woman. This is creepy for adults and would probably be frightening to young children. Again, the subject matter is designed for Adults, and one scene deals with a seance, but there's nothing overt that children couldn't set their eyes on. Again, use discretion.

7. "Labrynth" (1985). Rated PG

"Goblin King...Goblin King!
Wherever you may be, take this child of mine far away from me!"

One, night, Sara makes a wish. Her dad and step-mother have gone out for the evening, and Sara's been assigned to babysit little brother Toby. Life's unfair sometimes,, ain't it? Anyway, when Sara makes the wish, she has no idea she'll soon be on a strange journey to get her baby brother back! The Goblin King (David Bowie) has taken him! Now, Sara must work her way through the Labrynth to get him back. Guided by the wise old Hoggle (voiced and puppeted by Jim Henson) Sara must make her way to the Goblin Kings's door... And she doesn't have much time! Adults and teens will like this one because of the special effects. Young children will like this movie because of Jim Henson's amazing creatures, and little Toby. This movie is definitely for all ages!

8. "Young Frankenstein" (1974). Rated PG

Possibly, the most successful movie spoof ever! Cleverly written by lead actor Gene Wilder, and directed by Mel Brooks, this movie pays homage to the classic horror movies of the thirties. (No, it's pronounced "Igor"). This movie does have some language and sexual content. The diologue crackles with wit and the screwball comedy is hilarious! Though never marketed to children, as a child, I knew every line of dialogue, and I know that many kids have been entertained for hours by the revolving bookcase, and the bowtie snapping off, the game of darts, and the little blonde girl with her pretty little flower. Dr. Frederick Frankensteen (Gene Wilder) would rather be known for his own small contributions to science, rather for his unfortunate relationship to a famous "cookoo." But nobody will let him forget that his great-grandfather had successfully brought what was dead to life. One evening, a man carrying an ornate carved box, says he's come to give him his grandfather's will. So the doctor travels to Transylvania to carry on his grandfather's experiments. This movie is dark and cold and creepy, with just enough of a fear factor to send a chill down your spine...but it's one of the funniest films you'll ever watch. Co starting, Peter Boyle, Teri Garr, Clorus Leachman, Madeline Khan, and Marty Feldman, whose distinctive eyes, enlarged by a thyroid condition, won him the part of Igor. Definitely a winner!

9. "Star Wars" (1977). Rated PG

Certainly not what you might think of as a typical Halloween sorta movie.." but always a hit at a Halloween party, wouldn't you say? Most definitely for all ages, how can you go wrong with Luke Skywalker, Jabba the Hut, Princess Leah, OB1 and the brooding, creepy Darth Vador? I love a good battle with a light saber, don't you? Known as Episode 4, this actually is the first movie in what became a double trilogy. Staring Mark Hamil as Luke, a young Harrison Ford as Han Solo, and Carrie Fisher as Princess Leah. Think Darth Vador is enough evil for Halloween night?

10. E.T. The Extra Terrestrial 1982) Rated PG

Actually, one of the coolest Halloween movies there is! How would you like to go trick or treating with a friend from another world? Elliot does! His famous ride across the moon takes place on Halloween night, when Elliot and Michael trick or treat with their squashy little friend (who's just little enough to make their mother believe that he's Gertie!). This one's definitely for all ages, and has costumes, candy, trick or treaters, jack o lantern's, and the sweet, little blue eyed alien who can make flowers grow. There's a little bit of adult language... But nothing inappropriate for little eyes. Just grab a Kleenex-ex box :). Certainly not your typical Halloween film, but with a very distinctive Halloween feel! (Henry Thomas, Drew Barrymore, Dee Wallace).

11. "Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs" (1937) Rated G

I dare you to watch the Wicked Queen becoming the old hag...and not shudder! The magic mirror with flames and creepy, freaky eyes! A black coldron, magic spells, creepy skulls, black crows...and an old hag's cackle! Known as the very first, full length animated, feature film,, and one of AFI's top 100 Films of All Time; the animation is excellent, coupled with the classic Grimm tale. A plus for all ages!

12. "Arachniphobia" (1990) Rated PG 13

Spiders, spiders, EVERYWHERE! Eek! This one's not for the squeamish... well perfect! It seems a small town doctor is being blamed for several sudden deaths. Each one involves a spider bite. Ross (Jeff Daniels) has moved to the country from the big city...and really isn't sure he's done the right thing. The town is taken over by spiders, and Ross suddenly finds himself in the middle of a twisted web...literally! Watch for John Goodman, playing the cooky exterminator brought in to help fix the problem. Parents, as always, use discretion. There is a brief shot of a corpse completely drained of blood... and lot's of creepy crawlee's and spiderwebs!

13. "Edward Scissorhands" (1990) Rated PG 13

All grandchildren love a good bedtime story. Tonight, a certain little girl is wanting to know why it snows, and so, her grandmother decides to tell her... Edward Scissorhands is the story of a man who is...well...unfinished. He was built from scratch, by a a wise, old man (Vincent Price) who lived all alone in the creepy house on the hill. This man liked to invent things. He taught Edward how to speak and use words. He kept his hair combed, and taught him manners. But evidence of an unfinished body is quite visible. Long knives and pieces of metal where hands should be seen. So one day, when a friendly Avon sales lady is making her rounds, she decides to visit the strange house on the hill... She is greeted by a freely, empty house that could only be created by director Tim Burton! All the trees in the back are perfectly pruned in the shape gigantic animals. But Edward is alone there. Once she see's that he means no harm, Peg (Diane Weist) decides he must come home with her... There are many adult situations in this film too mature for very young children, but there's a good chance that the fantasy and the benevolent character of Edward will make up for that. The classic theme of the odd person who has love in their heart, but is misunderstood.

14. The Pink Panther (1963) Rated PG

Again, not a typical Halloween movie... But it has one of the best costume parties ever and a mysterious "Phantom" who leaves behind a white glove. Peter sellers in this classic comedic role, the very first of several sequels. Plenty of adult content, but all sprinkeled with Peter Seller's classic comedy... And all completely clean! Between the screwball comedy, the costume ball, and the crazy car chase at the end, this movie has something for everyone! Co starring Robert Wagner, Cappucine, and Claudia Cardinale

15. "The Wizard of Oz" (1939) Not Rated

Come on, admit it... She's the scariest witch you've ever seen! I mean, this is the ultimate Fall movie... And perfect for Halloween! Who isn't scared of those flying monkeys or palace guards? Who isn't scared of that huge head between those shooting flames? Yikes!! A Crystal ball, a fire ball, talking trees, and a purple horse from Egypt! All this and a haunted forest!! Who doesn't love those ruby slippers? Personally, I love movies from the days when films didn't have to be rated, don't you? With Judy Garland, in the lead, of course, and Margaret Hamilton as the always frightening Wicked Witch of the West. All ya need is some popcorn!

Out of Gear (part 2). (Still Out of Gear)

Okay, so, when I left home to spend a semester in England I was 27 years old. I remember being a bit nervous because I knew I was older than most of the students in the group with me. As usual, I got along better with the instructors, and the one student who was older than I was. But anyway.... Seeing a whole different culture (one who appreciates their history a lot more than we do, I think, it really does change you. It boosted my confidence totally, because even though I don't drive, suddenly, I was several thousand miles from home... In a place where nobody CARES if you don't have a car! I was like, "hey, I could get used to this!". It was like a welcomed change to my soul somehow. I was independent! I could leave the house on any given day, and there were all kinds of people out walking with me.. People take longer to get places and they don't mind it.

imagine a place where people pause in the middle of the day to chat and drink their tea. They close up shop early when they feel like it, they can let students out of class early if they want to, and they encourage Wow, as I write this, there's a show on TV (about animals talking all about English Swans. I'm seeing the Thames River, Windsor Castle, and many of the places I went when I was there! :). But I believe that the whole experience refined me, I think. I learned to function in rain and cold weather. (I loved it!). Anyway, it's amazing the little things that make you happy and help you grow. :)

So, when I came home From England, I knew I had the confidence to move away from home. This was when I took the apartment with my roommate for six months. That wasn't me and my friend splitting everything down the middle, like she said. It was me dealing with my friend and both of her parents. Now, understand, I realize her parents would certainly be a part of her life (whether she's moved out or not). Mine always have been. It's just that it felt almost as if they'd move'd in with us. It was difficult for me to deal with issues with my friend, because, she would bring her parents into it; they would naturally take her side, and it would be three (impossible) opinions against little me (who thought she could take care of herself... Yeah? If this sounds childish... It was. That's my point. In my quest to be more grown up, I was dealing with three very well intentioned but difficult :) people. Things got very childish very quickly. It actually came down to the four of us (me, my friend, and both our mothers discussing it together. I felt like I was in an elementary school teacher's meeting. Needless to say, that situation did not work out. I moved back in with my mother (whom I found I had a much better relationship with). A few months later I began looking for a place for myself. I had a lot of reservations. They were not "I can't take care of myself" reservations. These were doubts about income. When you're on disability, most complexes won't take a second look at you...

I've been down the road of section 8. Suffice it to say, I don't recommend it. I got it... But then still could not get a place! I'm a person of prayer, and needless to say, many of them went up, about location, price, tenants, landlord, transportation that wasn't local...all those things. Finally, I found a nice area with a wonderful complex, and an empathetic landlady! I've taken the bus since high school, so I knew how to get around, and the bus stop was practically outside my door! I took it! At 28, I was living completely on my own... For the first time! I was between 8 and 10 years behind most people, still single... And not working. But here I was, with this house (apartment) to myself, waiting for my new refrigerator to be delivered! Hey, this was an experience I'd never had! I LOVED living by myself! I still took college classes and went to church and I also volunteered at a pregnancy care center. This truly was one of the most fulfilling things. I've ever done! I loved it. So I had three years of living on my own. My rent was adjusted slightly, but not a lot. It was quite a juggling act, and there was never a lot left at the end of each month... But I was on my own!

I was able to live there for three years. I did have to move out though because, gradually, my rent was raised more and more. Unfortunately, my income wasn't. As more and more of my money went for rent, I had less and less to use for other things. The short version is that I moved out of there so that I would be in good standing, and not be in a situation where I could not pay my rent... An adult decision, which made me feel as though I were taking about 10 steps backwards. Strange. I think a lot of adult decisions don't necessarily make a person feel empowered at all, because they feel so opposite of what we think we ought to be doing. I'd gained the independence I'd wanted, only to have to turn around and lean on someone else for support.

Ha ha! :). I have a feeling that the second thing I had to do there was the more grown up one! Even though the world will tell you that you suck when you can't handle everything yourself. It sounds cruel, but what really scared me was the uncontrollable "Weirdness" of others! Now, talk about being a hypocrite! I adore my own weirdness and expect others to adore it too! I just had no desire to get used to someone else's quirks and idiosyncratic habits (boy, there's an "Annie Hall" world, if I've ever heard one!). Anyway, now I had to play by someone else's rules and get used to their nervousness and their preferences, and they're habits (the ones that annoy me too!). This time it was not because I was a child needing a parent. Face it... When you're a kid, the protection thing overrides everything else :). As long as I was a child needing a parent, she catered to all of that for me. As an adult, when I lived by myself, I could be completely absorbed in myself, which took up all the room in my head anyway. Both of these things made sense to me. But at 32, moving out of my own place and in with my grandmother, and then my mom, who I live with now... This made NO SENSE TO ME AT ALL!

Now, I could get mystical and spiritual here...but I won't, I'll keep it simple. I needed to learn how to RECEIVE. As selfish as I already thought I was... Giving really wasn't my problem. I could give alright. I THOUGHT I could not because I was not as mobile as I wanted to be. So, then I panicked, and thought that secretly everyone believed I was lazy...because I couldn't.... Well, you get the idea. Anyway, I thought that if I could get out of everyone's way, and handle everything myself, then I would not be a burden to anyone, and then they would be proud of me. Strange (again). It's like wanting someone to be proud because you're no longer around! Who the Hell needs that?? :)

Anyway, sitting on the sofa in my Mother's living room... I offer this: I think it's normal to need to know what independence is like because maybe you've never really broken away from mommy and daddy. If you have a disability of some kind, and you know you're different from others, a certain fear that this might never happen can rule your life. This is what happened to me. I figured that if I could not actually DO what everyone else around me was doing...I would fill my head with knowledge and fight like hell. I would proclaim all I knew, and keep "giving" (my advice, my opinions, my writings, my prayers). SURE! Now, this is all GOOD! (and it is.) But, actually... I was only scared. So, here I was, having gotten exactly what I wanted, and I had to give it up. Why? What if giving(the way I always wanted to) meant receiving things from others? Things like conversation, or a meal cooked, or bus money? What if people really didn't think I was lazy? What if they liked me, and only wanted to share in a little (or a big) part of who I was? How could anyone do that if I one day got everything "in gear" and could handle everything myself? Sure, I'd walk away and think I'd made it to where I needed to be... But now what? It was then that I started to realize that I'd never really considered that anyone really needed anything from me right where I was, or that there was anything my family around me wanted to give to ME.

Love is not rational...it goes beyond our expectations. We might think others are only burdened by us, but maybe, if it were not for that "burden", we could not learn to love each other. Since I was a child, my mom has told me that she will still worry about me when I'm 40. It's just that I always believed that this wasn't really true...I'd have it all together by then. Well, I'm five years away from that age, and just like a child, I adore it when she makes me a plate of pancakes in the morning, or puts my blanket back on me at night (sometimes it slides to the floor) :). No. This does not happen every day, but when it does...it's rather nice! What a blessing! Does this make me childish. There is a huge difference between childish and childlike. Besides, I think I'm smarter for knowing the difference! :)

(Pause... BREATH) :)

Out Of Gear

I remember coming home from a dear friend's funeral one day. My friend in the car with me was conversing with me about our friend who'd passed away, and life and other things.

At some point, I mentioned that I sometimes have difficulty around other people because I usually just seem to be so far behind everyone else around me. All my women friend's are generally talking marriage, children, paying bills, rising gas prices, planing their grown children's weddings, going on trips with their grandchildren... And any number of the grown up things that adults do that make them... Well... Grown up.

I said that I just felt so outta place because I had not even begun to do most of these things yet.

"So, my friend says to me, there are times when you just feel somehow like you're really outta gear."

"yes, exactly!," I said (Feeling so relieved that he seemed to understand. My friend was twice my age, married, with both grown children and young children. I'm not using his name on purpose... But he is such an example to me of a sensitive, caring man, who gently but firmly loves his wife and kids. Add to this, the fact that he has as a wonderful sensitivity towards those with disabilities (as did our friend who'd passed away). This knowledge alone would make me feel better to be around him. I knew he would never think it odd that I don't drive, never think it odd that I'm not married. He would never think it odd that I'm on disability, so are many people he knows.

I've always had a crippling sense of being way outta gear, and WAY behind most everybody else. This seems to be "Okay" with everybody, except me. I'm now in my mid thirties. I live with my mother, and several other members of my family because we all made it to a point where it was too difficult for us to live on our own. So, we're all squeezed into the same place. I'm on disability. I do not drive. I'm not married. I have no kids. I try to make friend's, but always seem to be interested in remote, off the wall things that no one else cares about. When you don't have any of the above things I mentioned, it can be so challenging to even get into a conversation with someone because it's difficult to find common interests. Anyway, when you don't "fit in" you have to get really creative about standing out... Which is a responsibility that you don't always want. I was born with Cerebral Palsy (mild) and I now REALLY want to be tested for Asperger's Syndrome or High Functioning Autism. I began learning about these things, when I was reading about Gary McKinnon, a young British guy accused of hacking into American government computer systems, who was tested and found to have AS.

Anyway, I have dreamed about knowing the guy that I would marry since I was just a kid. Back in high school I had 2 relationships, and after the second one (that lasted two years) part of me felt like she could not seem to really recover. Try going through that in a world where relationships seem changed like bedsheets, people are "friend's with benefits" and they have "make-up" sex. I mean, really...if you can't just get up and move on you feel seriously retarded. You know, I mean, how stupid could I be to let my undying loyalty for one guy hurt me? No support for that. As an adult, much of my social involvement has come from college classes, church and volunteer work. I have an AA degree in English, which took me forever to get and when I would try to share the joy of FINALLY completing it with others, I would promptly be told that this would not get me very far in the working world. (great, thanks for the support.). I am no different from others in that I did get caught in the same catch 22 that everybody faces when trying to get to work. How do you get a job, if you have no experience? How do you get experience when you have no job? Not having a car did not help in this area. But considering that I should not be driving anyway, what difference did that make?

I don't know, high school was like this little micro-cosmic world where I got to safely feel like someone who could be an adult, for a little while... And it didn't matter that you lived with your parents (you were supposed to) and if you did not drive (but you wanted to...perfect! You were in good company'. So, in high school I had a summer job my junior and senior year, I was involved in drama and choir and musical theatre, and journalism... And had a boyfriend who ran track. It was grand! Well, now I'm in my mid thirties, and I just wanna say:

"Dammit, I was cheated!"

For the disabled individual who has trouble facing challenges and keeping relationships... high school actually does very little to prepare you for the real world. I mean, you're stuck in the same comfort zone for four years with timed classes and timed lunch hours and schedules set by adults. You pick your group of friend's and wait for the day you graduate. What the hell does this have to do with profound loneliness you can't explain or pretending your way through something because a situation demands it, or not saying certain things because you know they would hurt someone. What does any of that have to do with NOT sleeping with someone because you deserve better, and so would the child you have if you got pregnant.? What do those four years teach anyone about balancing a checkbook, or paying bills on time? What do they teach you about someone who's sick in the hospital and just needs someone to hold their hand? What do they teach you when all the boyfriends you thought you would have in your life... Never show up? What do they teach you about dealing with difficult neighbors or co-workers? What do they teach you about waiting longer than you think you can wait, for things that never seem to materialize into reality?

Absolutely nothing!

So, I've spent way too much time trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Why couldn't I just just finish college in right around six years like everyone else? Two years... Four years.... Now you're ready to get a masters, see? That's just what people do right? Not me! It took me ten (yes 10, as in one, zero) years to get a lousy two year degree. Why? Several reasons. One was sheer indecisiveness. I had so many interests I could not settle on just one. I would not finish what I started, I would just move on to something else, thinking it was better. Then I would get burned out and try so Erving else. My grades would suffer if I tried to go full ti e because even that was a lot for me to juggle around. According to statistics, one hour of class equals three hours of homework. Okay, so you do the math! I truly do not know how people go to school, work and raise a family too. Even going to school only part time... Just my classes and homework consumed most of my time. I had to keep taking the same math classes over & over because I couldn't seem to pass them. Math always builds on itself, and it was like my brain just would not hold that much information... Literally. I had to take a lot of "breaks" from college because I would get burned out and want to quit altogether. So, when I would come back I would get into something new because that was the only thing that kept me excited about still being there.

Doesn't sound like enough of a reason to procrastinate, does it? Ironically, I was just trying to stay with it. Seems like my efforts to keep myself from burning out completely only seemed to make me take longer. There's nothing really wrong with this (if you're able to get away with it, but I have never fit the normal mold that so many of the people around me seemed to slide right into. Anyway, the one guy that I ever really loved got married... And it was not to me. I know now that this is the best thing that ever could've happened simply because I was not supposed to be with him. There's somebody out there for me.... But he hasn't come breezing into my life like I believed he would. Whether he does or not, I like the person that I am. But you know, sometimes all the cliche's and dating tips in the world don't help. No offense... It's just that sometimes their really is no cure for loneliness. I don't care how busy you are, or socialized you become. The hardest thing is that sometimes, even the amount of other people you serve in some way won't erase the fact that you feel terribly out of gear in your life. At the end of the day, when it's just you and your thoughts in the dark, if you're content with your place in life... Wonderful! But I think most people are not.

Anyway, I have gotten to do certain things with my life that I would not have been able to do had things been different. I got to go to England for a semester... which had been a dream of mine for a long time. I didn't have a job. I had a very understanding mother who allowed me to use my disability money every month to make payments. When I came home from England I got an apartment with a room mate. My mother advised me against it... But I wanted so badly to be outta me mom's house that I went for it. That lasted six months! This was as long as our lesae was. That in itself was quite an experience for me! My room mate was disabled as well, but not completely honest with me about her limitations. Neither were her parents! We hit it off really well as friends, but, as room mates? She's an adult, like me, but, dependent on her parents for just about everything. She often couldn't handle certain mundane housecleaning (I guess because it overwhelmed her. I could not work out any sort of schedule with her because she would not let me. Anything that she could not handle she simply waited for her parents to do it... Even if it were something as simple as taking out trash. Living with her was like a parent child relationship.

When those six months were up, I moved back in with my mom...having a renewed sense of gratitude that I was responsible for my own rent, my own bank card, my own bills, my own grocery lists, and pretty much, my own housecleaning. Yes, there were certain things too big for me to handle (I think that's true for anyone). But suddenly, I realized that I actually had a lot more "independence" than I thought. My mother would pick me up and drive me to the grocery store, which worked out well anyway because she had to get her own groceries too. But other than that, I did most things myself.

There will be a part two to this, because it's slot to get down all at once.
(I have lived on my own too, I have not gotten to that yet)

But, to anyone who is feeling painfully out of gear, or maybe, like a dependent child, unable to grow up... To anyone who thinks something is terribly wrong because they "can't pull their own weight,". Don't worry... You have a right to feel frustrated, but ease up on yourself-- you're probably doing better than you think! :). More tomorrow!

In My Element

It's rainy and cloudy today. There's a definite chill in the air, and I can hear a steady trickle of water outside. It's gloomy and overcast. I just love it! Such a welcome change after too many months of triple digit temps. The house is quiet (YES!). So, I'm sitting in bed with my blankets and a sweatshirt, watching my favorite TV series of all time, drinking coffee, and playing with the cat. Am I sick today? Nope. Just totally ENJOYING myself.

"What's my favorite series?" you ask. It's the old 80's cable series "Faerie Tale Theatre.". For the first time, I'm watching it, and a bit sad at how many of these actors are no longer with us. Seems just about any popular actor,(of the day) young or old played a part in these. They are the classic children's stories, brought to life on screen with A LOT of humor. Of everything I've ever loved on TV...I've always been the most obsessed with this. I don't watch them much anymore because I'm the only one in the house who really likes them. Well, sometimes my mother will still watch them with me because she did when I was a kid... so some of them she's seen many times. She would help me learn about all the actors in them. Most of the actors that I admire today played some part in these. Anyway...I am so in my element! Probably totally OUT of everyone else's, but... That's me-- a proud square peg in a world of round holes! It's grand! Totally grand!

I think we all have our obsessions that we allow ourselves to get really emerged in, especially when no one else is around. I'd love to share all my obsessions with others, but usually, others are not nearly as obsessed with my obsessions as I am. The bummer is that many times I want others to love MY obsessions so much... That I can forget to really show and interest in THEIR obsessions. Maybe it's not even an obsession... Just something else from someone else that needs attention. I'm most certainly an adult, but that childlike side of me takes over, and I want to stay in my own little world and be left alone. So, I like to make a conscious effort to care for those around me, step out of my own little space, and do things for others with as much passion as I have when I'm enjoying my own little world. Hmmm, is there such a thing as being obsessed with being interested in others? Obsessed with thinking of others as more important than myself? Well, the first thing I think of is the Bible. Not that I'm preaching... But that's what it's all abbot, right? The weird thing is that the more I TRY to do this, the more I seem to fail! :) As deeply as I care for others or want to care for them, everything seems to come back to me and my interests, and me trying not to throw a fit when I have to abandon them and do something for someone else. I don't know... does everybody have this problem?

Good Bedside Manner (How about just letting me sleep?)

I wonder why it is that some of the things we do to find rest... Don't give us any rest at all? Right now, I can't think of anything more (not) restful than a night in the hospital, for example. No, I'm not in the hospital... But I've been visiting someone in the hospital recently and I'll tell you... I am praying that she can come home ASAP. Now, anyone would do this... I know. But right now I'm speaking of the stress of being in the hospital. Bright lights, loud noises, people constantly coming in and out asking you the same questions a million times. Doctors asking off the wall questions out of nowhere and not explaining what they mean. Metal clanging, doors slamming, lights going on and off at all hours. Intercoms and alarms that are so loud, they hurt your ears and scare you awake... And then as soon as you're back to sleep, another one goes off. Nurses and doctors shouting as they are busily walking down long hallways and across rooms. Having to share a room with a family that's way too noisy... And they don't care. Where is the REST in all that?? Couple this with the fact that maybe you're hurting like hell and can't think straight. Maybe you're really out of it because of sickness or meds.

Goodness sakes! All of this... And that's not even mentioning the food (!!!). Sometimes, the thing that hurts the worst is doctors and nurses with no bedside manner. Can you try to do things quietly because you know people are asleep? Can you warn then gently when you're about to switch on a light or put something uncomfortable under their gown or against their skin? Can you check and see who a person's doctor is yourself rather than asking them while they are practically incoherent? Can you just say to your patient, "I know it hurts."? Just hearing these words can make all the difference in the world. Tell your patients WHY certain alarms go off, and turn them off if they are not necessary. No I'm not attempting to write an instruction manual for doctor's...I'm only listing things that have come to my attention that I feel probably would've helped. With all this racket going on, how is an exhausted person supposed to get any SLEEP?(Some of this is also memories of my own brief stays in the hospital.) The procedure can be minor... but a wonderful bedside manner really would make a major difference.

Retreats. Ha ha! Every retreat I've ever been on has been the most exhausting experience I've ever had! (So, I don't go on retreats anymore) :). I suppose, the first reaction by someone else might be "Gee, that's too bad, they are so much fun.". Well... Let's see...

You have to arrive at a certain time, check in at a certain time and then receive a schedule of events that all start at a certain time, which means you have to get up at a certain time. (Usually quite early). What? You wanted to sleep late because you're exhausted from the drive and whatever else happened before you got there? Nope sorry. I know you're drop dead tired...but let's go to our first session of....cabinet making (I don't know) :). Retreats are full of long lines, people shouting cause nobody can hear, packed auditorium's, bright lights, cell phones going off constantly. Damn good food, for sure... But then no time to sleep it off! :). And a bunch of activities that are supposed to be fun... But not if you're too exhausted to do them.Dude, where's the rest in that? If you're a volunteer there... forget it! There will be no rest for you! You have to arrive really early and stay late into the night. You have a name badge on and people are constantly asking you questions. Never mind any unforeseen crises that might come up.

Vacations. Wherever you might wanna pack up and go... You still gotta pack up and get there! Are you driving? Flying, taking the train? Cool. Well... They don't call it luggage for no reason, you know! Whatever your luggage actually weighs, it will probably feel 20 pounds heavier after you've stood in a long line somewhere. Chances are, whatever discomfort you experience along the way will tell you what you forgot. What is it? Pepto Bismal? Kleenex? Ibuprofen?, allergy medicine? An extra jacket?, a plastic bag?, sun screen?, bug spray? The way things are going now, just stopping to fill up can make a person not want to take vacation again. :). How much will you have to spend just on gas? Yikes! Anyway, Are you tired yet?

In my opinion, these are just some things we go through in the hopes of finding rest.... That may or may not come... We don't know. To anyone who must stay in the hospital, I do hope that you are well soon, and that you are able to sleep in your own bed. In any case, I hope you can get some sleep. :). To anyone on a retreat, I hope there are some really GOOD speakers! :). To anyone on vacation, hope you enjoy the destination, that you're not doing all the driving, and that you can sleep until you feel like waking up! :)

Grace.., (To the man who might someday marry me.)

I just read part of an article about why men (also) need to be careful when choosing someone to marry. I so agree. It's too easy sometimes to get attracted to a woman for purely temporal or fleeting reasons.

The article says pregnancy changes body shape. True. What if I have no interest I have no interest in getting pregnant? Uhh Oh... Yeah, this could change... Absolutely. But what if it doesn't? What if I decide I really DON'T want kids? There are some who would say that I've just booted myself out of the marriage camp completely.
Now what?

Am I strong spiritually or stagnant? Well, depends on how you look at it. I've attended the same church since I was 18 (I'm in my early 30's now) But I have not attended this church in the last two years. Okay, does anybody wanna start running the other way now? I only wanna keep my heart in the right place and make sure nobody (including myself) is hurt further, you know? But, do I look like an absolute zero now? I got attracted to the wrong guy there. Not a jerk. Just the wrong guy for me. I waited and hoped and prayed way too long, and I didn't want to admit the truth. I don't drive, so it isn't like I have the luxury of just going out and finding another church. Are you still with me? Because some of you might already be thinking "Gee, she can't carpool, or pick our kids (that I don't wanna have) up from school, or drive 10 hrs. From Disneyland and then get up at 5:30 to start morning worship at 8:00aM, that sorta thing. Nope, not a good candidate for that. So, a combination of things have kept me from Church. Like I said, I don't drive, and then there's the attraction to the wrong guy. Trust me... No more gasoline needs to be poured on that fire. I don't need the distraction, the guy doesn't need the distraction. It's just not a good thing.

Not to mention, I'm tired of being the presumptuous one who "can't control herself". I won't lie to you or make this pretty. I'm human and I wanted to love this guy and I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to desire me, yes. So I would wear things I thought he would like. Now I was always very careful to make sure that there was nothing deliberately seductive in what I wore. As women, we need to do our part to help protect the men that we love (and the men who love someone else). Ladies make sure, you're covered in all the right places and that your speech is kind, and seasoned with grace. This makes it easier for our Christian brothers. But anyway... The seduction was inside my own heart. Nobody needed to see it... God saw it... And that's all that mattered. I can say with a clear conscience that I did everything I could to stay AWAY from this guy. Even though, I didn't want to (truth be told). I said I'm human and I wanted him to love me. So, in my head, I WANTED to do all the wrong things (yes, I did). I think all girls go through that inside, where there's this "fight" that they have to bring under submission to the Lord. I guess the smart girls don't say anything about this?

I am honest. Sometimes to a fault, and sometimes to my own detriment. Usually, I can't take nearly as much as I dish out because I'm so sensitive. I'm glad I'm getting all of this out on the table now, because if it's offensive to you, or too much of a risk, I need to know. I also went through some painful circumstances with a friend of mine. (At church). I was really hurt and got angrier with this friend than I should have, and now I'm just not sure how to even face them. I do not want any further hurt between us. I don't want any old wounds resurfacing and causing further anger or anything related to it. I stuck the situation out for quite awhile and tried to persevere. I had to let go. I had to be closer to my Heavenly Father... His voice was getting dimmer and dimmer. If this makes me not spiritual enough for you or somebody who is too immature, I need to know now. I only want to be true to you, whom I have not met yet, and true to my Heavenly Father who made me.

I have trouble concentrating on more than one thing at a time. Sometimes I just need to shut everything out in order to gain a clear perspective... And yes, sometimes this shutting out turns into down right avoiding people. Please know that I will always love you more than I can ever say, and that my sense of loyalty to you will never fade. However, my sensitivity and emotions that stab me like knives make me unable to face the world at times. I need significant time to recover from things... Usually much longer that the daily schedule or the world at large will allow. I need a lot of alone time to work things out for myself. But please know that this does not diminish my love for you. I often get angry and say things I do not mean. When I realize this, I will always come back, often in tears and extremely apologetic. The empathy is real... It's not an act. But if all of this makes me too much of a risk for you... It's good that I know now.

I don't work everyday like most people, so I've gotten used to sleeping in and I rather enjoy it. But I was a college student for many years so I know what it means to get up on time and be punctual and be diligent. I couldn't actually pursue my Bachelor's degree because I ran out of money and wasn't interested in getting into all kinds of student debt. I am very smart, even though I don't have the IQ to prove it. My proudest achievements are my ability to write well, my credit score, and the fact that I have no debt. I have two disabilities and want to be tested for a 3d. Sometimes I get so deep into my thoughts that it looks like I don't care about anyone but myself. This is not true.... But looks can be deceiving so...

One final thing you should know...

I've spent way too long kicking myself because I could never really be like (I guess) the typical church-going wife that many wonderful, Christian guys want. I love to sing, so music ministry will probably be a great idea for me. But I'm not a good candidate when it comes to car pooling or running a million errands, or taking people to church (I'll be the one needing the ride.). But my wisdom will inspire you and my sense of humor will make you glad you're with me. I'm imperfect, and (yes) often lazy. But I know myself very well, and won't lie to you about who I am. Think you'd give me a try?